What does it mean to be home? For me, the concept of home implies a place that I can be myself and not worry about being judged. It makes me think of the feeling I get of relief and comfort that can only come from a place where I am free to be myself. A place where I can be honest about my fears, concerns, and thoughts.
I grew up in the Evangelical church. My parents took us to Sunday school, Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, and a mid-week service (provided the church was big enough to do that). I always knew that my church should be a place where I am honest about my thoughts and struggles. I always believed there was something wrong with me for not fitting in at churches because it was not a place where I could be honest.
You see, there are two reasons why I have only once felt comfortable in a church. First, I have a history of depression. My worst depression was my senior year of college. But, there has always been a part of me prone to getting lost in my own head and being depressed. Don't get me wrong, things are much better now that I am regulated on thyroid medicine. But, there are still times that I struggle with depression.
Growing up (whether this was intentional or not) I heard that depression and mental illness was more of a spiritual issue than a medical issue. This meant (in my mind) that being depressed, or being generally melancholy, reflected more on my faith than any other potential effect. It made me afraid to admit that I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide for much of high school and college because that would also imply to those around me that I was not a good Christian due to my lack of faith.
Once my depression "hit the fan" and I couldn't hide it anymore, I realized a few things. First, one of the strongest holds on me (keeping me depressed) was my fear of what others would think of me. Second, my depression and depressive tendencies are made much worse when my thyroid is unbalanced. There is no way to explain how different I feel and think over the last 9 years since I have started regulating my thyroid. This thyroid regulation does not take away all of my anxiety and depressive thoughts. But, I have a wife who does a very good job (even if she doesn't believe it) at making me talk.
The second factor influencing my lack of comfort in church has been political. Growing up the thing that I never understood was why Christians could agree to disagree on theology, but not politics. That is what led me to study religion and politics at Taylor for my senior thesis. It also led me to study Church-State relations at Baylor, and remains a major interest of mine as I finish my Ph.D. at Indiana. Put simply, this willingness to disagree on something I believe much more important (theology) but unwillingness to disagree on something more trivial (politics) has led me down my career path.
More importantly, though, is that I have never bought the infatuation with the Republican Party by the Evangelical church. Don't get me wrong, I vote for Republicans; but, I also vote for Democrats. I have never (or will ever) believed that one party has the market corned on truth. This belief of mine has led me to being outcast by many people that I used to respect. I have been judged much more by Christians for not buying the Republican agenda than I have by academics for being a Christian. There have been several times I have been accused of not being a good Christian because I do not agree wholeheartedly with the Republican platform on all issues.
I have only once in my life felt at home in a church, which was our church in Bloomington*. I felt at home because there were people who accepted me and allowed me to ask questions. It was the first time that I realized a church was not automatically a place where I would feel left out and unwanted. But, I still go to church every week. Why?
I go to church because I believe that Christians should be a part of a local community. I go to church because I believe that it is my responsibility to do my best to share life with other Christians. I also go to church because I hope that I can provide (hopefully) someone with a home who doesn't feel at home.
The one thing that has kept me in the Church** has been my contrarian personality. I am comfortable (well, some might say I enjoy) with challenging standard assumptions more than most people I know. This means I will always look to play the devil's advocate on issues because I do not believe that simple answers are accurate answers. But, I have become less comfortable with not feeling at home in a church because I have started to feel more of a need for connection.
So, I guess I have written this partly as a cathartic exercise for my own behalf. But, maybe we can think about ways to make our own churches more welcoming of people that may be struggling in a number of ways. Or maybe, someone needs to hear that it is okay to feel alone and unwanted in a church. The way one feels about any one church should not influence one's relationship to God.
I have also written this because I want to know if I am the only crazy one who feels left out. Maybe this really is a problem with me. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am the only one who does not know how it feels to be comfortable in a church?
* Partly this was because of a group of friends that have a similar personality as me, but it also reminds me of the Caedmon's Call song "Hold the Light" https://www.youtube.
** I use a big-C because that denotes the "universal and invisible" church rather than a single church body.
Hi Ben, thanks so much for sharing. I agree that it is really hard to attend a church where you don't feel welcome. It's also hard (though not impossible) to maintain a strong relationship with God without the support of a community where you feel welcome. So I applaud you for continually trying to find your place in a church community--and for being open when you don't feel at home.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people are able to find churches that fit them like a glove—where they share the exact same theological, political and social values as the majority of members. However, I think it’s far more special to find a church that has a clear identity, but that provides its laity a comfortable space to challenge or at least discuss a range of theological, political and social ideas. Perhaps this was ECC for you? I’ve also been frustrated at times by churches that seem to be allergic to establishing strong theological, social and political values—where there is not a space for discussion about some of the most challenging topics facing Christians today because no one wants to rock the boat and create a divisive environment.
I wish more churches had discussions about what it means to be welcoming and hospitable. So many fall into the trap of a superficial friendliness—either embracing everyone who walks through the door only to turn a cold shoulder to anyone who expresses views that deviate from the norm, or avoiding deep discussion about anything of much importance for fear of alienating someone.
Best, Andrea