Aedan: 70 Months, Week 4
Owen: 28 Months, Week 1
This weekend was spent largely staying inside because we got 4-5 inches of snow on Saturday. In fact, Aedan and I even spent some time finally finishing this large airplane made out of K'nex. It was actually rather complicated to build and some of the pieces were connected in a way that made it hard for his little fingers to do, so it was definitely a joint effort on our part. He was very proud of it, and this thing was massive!
It was only 9 degrees on Saturday, so we didn't let the kids go play outside because it was too cold. Plus, everyone in the house had colds, and we didn't want anyone to feel more sick by being out in the cold. Then, on Sunday afternoon Aedan actually developed a fever. We weren't sure what was going on, but we could tell that he was fading and wasn't feeling well. We had him lay down and take a nap so that he could hopefully kick whatever it was that was bothering him. Sunday was kind of a restful, relaxing day for everyone as I know I felt tired. Owen had been waking up at 6:00 a.m. the last few days and then only napping an hour and a half at the most, so I was definitely feeling the lack of sleep.
As we were approaching the end of January and looking toward February, we were thinking more and more about the court hearing scheduled on February 11th. The kids' caseworker was going to get more information from the attorney and let us know more details, but it was just hard because the kids' parents are just immature and probably will not improve more from where they are right now. We, as well as the caseworker, think that the kids just need to go back home and have a lot of services continue for a long time so they can learn how to be better parents, put boundaries up, and encourage the kids' development. It's difficult to learn to be a better parent when you don't actually have your kids with you to parent, so it looks like there is a chance they could be going back home on that date, as long as the parents continue doing what they are supposed to do, like they have been.
Monday was kind of a strange day because our two new little ones had a doctor's appointment with the pediatrician I used for Owen's well-child visit. I put the little boy down early for his nap, which isn't a problem because he always seems so tired and ready to sleep. I then had to wake him up so that we could get ready to go to the doctor. (Ben stayed home with Owen and was there to get the big kids since he didn't have class that day.) But here is the little boy fast asleep before I woke him up so we could get to the doctor.
It turned out that the kids hadn't been for well-child visits since 2018, except for a time the little girl went to urgent care back in September. Waiting with the little girl for a long time was not very fun. We got there around 2:10, and we were still waiting in the waiting room at 2:45. There weren't any books or toys to amuse the kids, and I brought a couple of princess books for her to look at, but they only kept her attention for so long since she doesn't really enjoy sitting and looking at books. There was one point I had to make her sit next to me in a time out because kept standing right in front of the door to the office and even trying to open it or lock it a few times. She did not like being told to stop, and as soon as I told her to sit down, she started crying and throwing a fit, making her body act like a limp noodle. I eventually had to sit her next to me on the bench, with my arm around her shoulder, and my other arm wrapped around her front as a way to physically contain her. I told her she needed to calm down so that we could talk, and then I would let her go, but she couldn't listen when she was acting like that. It didn't take long before she finally calmed down, and I was able to explain to her what she was doing wrong and what she needed to do instead. However, I remember feeling really embarrassed and like everyone was looking at me and how I was handling her behavior. It's hard when you are dealing with someone else's kid and they act out in public because one of our own kids, who doesn't have any issues or come from hard places like she does, would never have behaved like that.
Once we finally got called back, they checked all their vital signs and both of them had slight temperatures, but I think it was mostly because that office is pretty warm. They tried to test the little girl's hearing, but she didn't understand what to do enough to know that she needed to raise her hand when she heard a beep, so the results of that were inconclusive. They also tested her eyes using a measurement tool, and it found that she was very nearsighted, which we expected with how close she gets her face to books and TV in order to see.
After already having waited in the waiting room for so long, I was not looking forward to containing them in a small exam room for even longer. I had a list of questions I wanted to ask the doctor, as well as referrals I wanted made for both kids: Early Intervention for the little boy as well as help with a high caloric diet to increase his weight since he was in the 2nd percentile for weight, and a Neurological Testing and Orthopedic referral for the little girl to see what all was going on with her cognitive delay and how she walks around on the balls of her feet all the time. I was trying to talk to the doctor as well as answer questionnaires about the kids to the best of my ability, while the little girl began losing control of herself. She was messing with everything she could get her hands on in the room, climbing on the table, and even running around the table in circles. This was very difficult for me to handle by myself, as I knew it was boring for the kids, and it would even have been hard for our own kids with how long they made us wait. I got all the information I needed from the doctor, and each kid got an immunization. The little girl went first because we figured she would have the worst reaction, and we were right. I had to hold her arms down, and she just screamed and cried like crazy. The little boy didn't even react much at all, not so much as a whimper. After getting all that done, the doctor wanted the little girl to get an x-ray of her stomach because of how I mentioned she seemed to be having issues going to the bathroom regularly, and she wanted to see it there was any blockage since she takes a medication that could cause constipation. So then we had to go over to the x-ray department and wait again. I tried to find whatever I could to amuse and entertain them while we waited. This room did not have a door, so the kids kept trying to walk away and look in other rooms, so I ended up putting them in a corner of the room and sitting on the floor in front of them so that they physically could not get past me. The little girl did pretty good laying still for the x-ray, and we were going to get the results in the next couple of days. (She ended up having a medium to large blockage and was given Miralax to take.)
We were finally on our way home at 4:30, after being gone with the two new little ones for almost 2 1/2 hours at the doctor. I felt like I had run a marathon in handling these two in that kind of an environment for that long, and I just wanted to get back home.
Because our day hadn't already been crazy enough, we decided to have Ben take Aedan to the walk-in clinic to get checked out that night right after dinner. His fever was continuing, and he was hardly eating anything. He said his throat hurt, and he got to the point that night at dinner where he was talking funny, like his throat may have been constricted or swollen. You could tell his throat was swollen and sore, and we wanted to get him checked out. The test came back positive for strep, which in a lot of ways was a good thing because then he could be put on antibiotics and would begin to feel better in the next 24 hours. Poor little boy, here he is waiting in the waiting room that night.
Little Aedan was such a trooper even though he wasn't feeling, and Ben was able to pick up his antibiotics so he could start taking them that night. And luckily after staying home the next day and being on the antibiotics for 24 hours, he was going to be able to go back to school on Wednesday. We knew he would be feeling better by the end of the next day.
On Tuesday morning they posted the cast list for the play that Samantha is in called "The Journey of the Noble Gnarble." She was really hoping to have the main character, the Noble Gnarble, but she did not get that and instead was one of the four subbalubbles, who actually try to eat the Noble Gnarble at one point during the musical. She was a little disappointed. I could see it in her face, but she handled it well, saying that she thought the girl who got the part she wanted might get it because she was an elf with a lot of lines in the last play. She made a video because she wanted to let Ema and Papa know what part she got since they were here when she tried out for her part a couple weeks ago.
Ben left early Tuesday morning, even before Samantha and Aedan got up for the day, and took the little girl to the eye doctor for her appointment at 8:00. She desperately needed her eyes checked, and we knew that she was going to be prescribed glasses. Ben made sure to tell them that she was really weak with recognizing letters, numbers, and even shapes, so they showed her pictures instead in order to test her vision. She she came in at 20/250 vision, and her prescription was going to be -4.75, so she was in desperate need of glasses. I can't even imagine how it would look to walk around with that bad of vision all day. My prescription is -1.50, and it seems blurry enough to me when I don't have my contacts or glasses on. I'm glad that we were able to help her get these glasses, and we were excited to see the difference they would make with her.
After talking with Ben for the last couple of days, we also decided that we would suggest doing overnight visits for our two new little ones from Saturday morning into Sunday afternoon since we are down in Wilkes-Barre to drop Samantha off at play practice on Saturday and then for church on Sunday. We figured with the court hearing coming up and how well the other overnight visits had gone, that this visit schedule might work well so that we didn't have to worry about the little girl missing any school, and both parents would be able to be home to see them. I texted the caseworker about it on Tuesday so we could get the ball rolling on that.
Since Aedan was still contagious, I didn't want to take him to the play gym so I dropped him off with Ben before taking the boys. They have such a good time there, and I knew Aedan would be fine just sitting in Ben's office and watching shows on the computer. Here are the boys playing during free time at the gym. They always have such a great time there. It's a fun weekly activity, especially during these cold winter months.
After our time of playing in the gym was over, we went back to pick up Aedan from Daddy and then headed back home. The little boy did this while I was making lunch. Aedan left the bathroom door open and the light on, and the little boy has been very interested in playing in bathrooms, and particularly in toilet water, lately. When I discovered it, I just didn't have it in me to pull clumps of toilet paper out of the toilet, so I left it to deal with later after putting all the boys down for naps.
On Wednesday morning the boys and I were invited to Amy's house for a play date. It was nice of them to think of us and invite us. They live about 35 minutes away from us, on the opposite side of Wilkes-Barre, but the boys do pretty well in the car for me. I just didn't understand how the little boy is always so tired. I usually wake him up around 8:00-8:15 so he doesn't sleep for too long, and so we can get ready to go places, but he was falling asleep in the car at 10:00 on the way to the McFarland's house. I had to keep reaching back to give him things to keep him awake.
Owen was happy to go in and start playing, even if the other little boy was a little more shy and reserved at first. He always gets nervous when we first get places and doesn't want to leave my side. Maybe because he is afraid I'm going to leave him there, or because he doesn't know the people or place where we are. The boys had some crackers for snack, and then just spent time running around and playing. Owen even found an Elsa dress to put on as they were dancing to princess music. I definitely don't have as many pictures of Owen in a dress as I did of Aedan, since he was always dressing up with Samantha.
It was a fun morning being able to talk with Amy while the kids played. She is also a fellow foster parent, so we were able to talk quite a bit about things related to that. It was amazing how good it felt to talk to someone who truly understood what it was like, and how I could be open and honest without feeling judged in anyway. She served us lunch and even though Owen didn't eat much, it worked out okay, and then we were on our way home so I could get the sleepy boys down for naps in their cribs.
Here is some work Aedan brought home from school that day. Aedan is working on the short o sound, basic addition, sight words, and matching numbers with their corresponding word.
We had a busy evening that Wednesday night as well because it was the AWANA Grand Prix, and both Samantha and Aedan had cars that were going to race. However, I was a little frustrated by the whole process because last week there was a weight check for the cars, but I was not aware that they were going to be required to leave their cars there at that point, so we didn't have a chance to put any finishing touches on the cars, like making sure the wheels were on straight and the axles were lubricated so they would spin better. Their cars were definitely not ready for the race, and I felt bad because I knew they weren't even going to cross the finish line. It reminded me of Samantha's first Grand Prix when we didn't know how seriously they took these races, and that we needed to put a little more effort into making sure the wheels can turn quickly. I remember feeling embarrassed for her and for us, because really it is a reflection on the parents since it is mostly the parents spearheading the work that is done on the cars. The second year I was determined to put more work into it, and we lubricated the wheels and used some graphite from a leader to help it go faster. The second year was so much better, and Samantha was excited that her car was actually crossing the finish line, even if it didn't always win. I have a slightly competitive nature, but with this it was more just the fact that if we were going to commit to doing the race and designing a car, I felt like we should provide the materials to actually help the car race well, and we didn't do that this time. As you can see in these videos, their cars were very slow, and they never once crossed the finish line on their own. The kids were excited to participate in the Grand Prix, but I could tell they were disappointed, and it was hard not to take that disappointment upon myself and feel embarrassed that I didn't help them make their cars better.
Everybody got a trophy, even Owen who didn't even participate, so here are the kids posing with their trophies at the end of the night.
By the time we got the kids in bed late on Wednesday night, I was just exhausted. There had just been a lot of stuff going on this week with taking the two new little ones to the doctor on Monday afternoon for 2 1/2 hours, then Ben taking the little girl to the eye doctor early Tuesday morning, then the little girl giving us a terrible time at home on Tuesday night and acting very disrespectful and spending most of the night in time outs. We had our new caseworker come to the house at 3:00 on Wednesday afternoon for a visit so she could talk with us for awhile and see our two little ones interact in our home. Then, Alysse, a friend of mine from church, came over to our house to watch our two new little ones while Ben and I took our kids to the AWANA Grand Prix. It was just a whirlwind of a few days.
With all the appointments we had regarding our two new little ones, and how tired I was from Owen waking us up so much at night, I was feeling really overwhelmed this week. I felt like I didn't have time to think about our own kids, like making sure Aedan is practicing his reading or helping Samantha study or even just sitting down and actually playing with or reading to Owen. Being a foster parent is not easy, I'm not going to sugar coat it, and this week was the worst for me on how I was feeling about it. I'm going to be honest with how I felt about it and then share later, both in this blog post and future blog posts, how God pulled me out of these feelings.
I would describe my feelings like an inner unrest and not really knowing what my true feelings were. I didn't know if I was feeling overwhelmed because it was showing my true limitations and capacity, and that I was going beyond those. I saw areas in my life, like my relationships with our own kids, my health, my personal time with the Lord, and my communication and connection in our marriage, struggling and sinking because of the difficulty of taking care of children from hard places. I didn't know if should be seeing these as warning signs that something had to change somehow.
Or, on the other hand, I didn't know if these feelings of overwhelm or inner unrest were actually God's way of growing me and pushing me out of my comfort zone, that it is something I need to persevere through, that will ultimately make me stronger. I know that Jesus calls us to take up our cross and follow him, which means making sacrifices of ourselves, our comfort, our time, and our resources. Stepping out in faith and loving people, living a life of following Christ was never promised to be easy, only that we would never be left alone. I was so torn between these two extremes, and I would fluctuate in how I felt from day to day. I just didn't know what to think or what was right.
I wasn't sharing my feelings with many people, even Ben for awhile, because I was too afraid to disappoint people with the selfish thoughts that I had pulling me back and forth in my soul. Part of me just wanted to escape from all the responsibilities, and I was just feeling in over my head, and that was not a sustainable way to keep living. How I was handling these feelings was negatively impacting many things around me. I even had thoughts of wanting to quit and give up on fostering all together (which now I realize were lies and doubts from the devil). I was doubting my capacity to be able to be a foster parent and thinking I couldn't do it, that I wasn't cut out for it, just like I felt like I couldn't do it in Michigan. I thought I struggled in Michigan because I took on a full time job and found out I was pregnant in the couple months before accepting our first placement, but I was starting to have similar feelings again. I had been feeling like I didn't have enough time to focus on our three kids and how they still need and deserve our love, time, and attention. I had thoughts that maybe after this placement potentially ends in mid-February, that we could just do respite care because it's short term, but I knew at the very least I would want to take a substantial break before accepting another placement, I just didn't know what that looked like. I have just been letting fear and doubt consume so much of my mind. Taking in foster kids definitely changes your life in an instant, and I found myself looking to the future and worrying about problems that weren't even in existence, like what would we do when our kids are in Little League starting in late April and we have games and practices to go to, or what we would do when we want to travel, especially over the summer when we will potentially be gone for two weeks at one time. It has been difficult for me in this placement lately because so many of the things that give me life and connection with my family, my husband, and my community were kind of put on hold since our foster kids weren't able to handle doing anything much beyond our typical routine. So Ben and I weren't able to go out on dates while our kids were at AWANA because one of us had to stay home with the two new little ones because the little girl couldn't handle behaving herself at AWANA. We also weren't going to small group together anymore because it just wasn't possible for the little girl to handle herself at that time of night. It would be asking too much of her and causing more frustration for ourselves, so we just decided one of us would stay home with our two new little ones on those nights as well. I was letting this experience mar my view of fostering in the future and wondering how we could keep some semblance of normalcy in the activities that we do as a family, while also accommodating new kids from hard places. Most of the time they say to expect a placement to last for at least six months, so any placement we would get next would last through the summer months as well. These are the inward struggles I was wrestling with, and the inner reality of being a foster parent, but also the truth in what it feels like to be stretched by God and learning what it's like to open up our home and love children from hard places.
Even through this whole process of going back and forth with my feelings, I knew that my priorities were all out of whack. Before we got our placement, I was getting up most mornings a little after 6:00 so I could read my Bible and write in my journal, but lately I have just felt so exhausted every day that I wasn't getting up at all the whole time we had our placement. Not only does that reflect on my level of tiredness, but also on the fact that I was trying to carry the burden of fostering all on my own. I wasn't going to the Lord in the morning to get filled up and fix my eyes on him. I wasn't asking for help when I was feeling overwhelmed or frustrated or discouraged. I was trying to accomplish this huge job of caring for someone else's children, in addition to my own, all in my own strength, and of course, I was drowning and failing because of that. I wasn't depending on God, the only one who would give me the strength and comfort I so desperately needed. Also, I felt alone in my struggles and alone in caring for these kids since we are new to the area and don't really know anyone yet or have any family in the area that could provide us with support. Ben and I have always had a heart for foster care and for children that need a loving and supportive home, but I was feeling overwhelmed with the all-encompassing nature of it where it feels like fostering is invading every aspect of your life.
I was finally able to be honest about my feelings with Ben in bed late Wednesday night, and even though I fought feelings of feeling ashamed and being worried that he would be disappointed in me, I was glad to finally talk to him about all the struggles and doubts that had been circling around in my mind the last couple weeks. We didn't necessarily come to any conclusion on the matter, but we knew it was important to be on the same page. Then, on Thursday morning I was able to share with my Bible study group a little about how I was feeling so that they could pray for me as well. It's amazing how worse things feel when you are hiding how you really feel and trying to stuff down or explain it all away.
J
Jenny
Thursday was a pretty good, even though I felt pretty tired from being up so late the night before. Ben was able to pick up glasses for our little girl, and she was so excited to try them on that evening. They looked great on her, and you could tell she was looking around in amazement at how well she could see everything. In fact, at dinnertime she was sitting at the table, looked out the patio door and said, "Wow, look at the trees!" I bet she wasn't able to even see the trees before. I was so glad we could get these glasses for her, and she seemed too excited to be able to see that I didn't think there would be much of an issue with her trying to take them off and play with them.
That night I stayed home with our two new little ones while Ben took our kids to small group. We played in the basement for a little while, spent some time cleaning up, and then got ready for bed. The little girl was so tired that she fell asleep before I even left the room. She laid down and closed her eyes while I was still reading the story. It was about 7:15, and she was already fast asleep.
Fridays are usually my days to stay home and get stuff done around the house, like laundry, changing sheets and towels, cleaning, and anything else that needs to be done. I spent a lot of the morning making appointments and talking to people about the referrals that we got from doctors on Tuesday for our two new little ones. We were kind of given the run around with getting the neurological testing set up so that was a bit frustrating.
Here is some work the kids brought home from school that day. Aedan was working on the letter Oo, basic addition, and sight words.
Here is some work the kids brought home from school that day. Aedan was working on the letter Oo, basic addition, and sight words.
Samantha is doing a chapter on fractions in math right now, and she really likes working with fractions. It comes naturally to her, and she finds it really easy and logical to think through. We are so proud of how well she is doing in 4th grade math, and we are so happy with how much she is learning this year. She also had a Science Test and a reading paper discussing the parts of speech of words from "Charlotte's Web."
Daddy got Owen up from this nap that afternoon, and he didn't want anything to do with anyone else. I tried to get a picture of him buried in Daddy's shoulder, but he sat up as soon as I went to take a picture. This boy definitely wakes up slowly from his naps, and he often has to cuddle for awhile before he is okay with getting down and doing something else.
After it had snowed this week, the kids didn't have a chance to play outside. It was a warmer day on Friday with expected rain on Saturday that would melt a lot of the snow away, so I suggested that the kids all go play outside when they got home from school on Friday afternoon. They had fun sledding and building a snowman with the good packing snow. It's nice to be somewhere where the kids can still enjoy playing in the snow and we still get winter, but we don't have the massive amounts of snow like in the U.P. or the snow that stays on the ground well into when it is spring.
Ben had a student orientation meeting to do for most of the morning and early afternoon on Saturday, so he left early for campus. In fact, all the kids were still asleep at 7:50, which is unheard of for them. Maybe it was the rain helping them sleep, as it was darker than normal outside. It was a little bit of a hectic morning for me because I had to get all five kids and myself up and ready to go so we could drop our two new little ones off at their parents' house for an overnight visit. Then, we dropped Samantha off at play practice before driving back home. It wasn't exactly the most fun way for the boys to spend the morning driving in the car for an hour and a half, but we didn't have a choice with Ben being at work.
Here are some cute pictures of my little kitchen helper that morning. He loves to be involved with whatever is going on in the kitchen.
Over the past week I have been working on my applications for becoming a substitute teacher in a couple local school districts: Lake Lehman, where my kids go to school, and Dallas, which is just ten minutes from our house. With Ben only teaching Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and looking to keep that schedule even into next school year, it leaves Tuesdays open as days Ben could be home with Owen while I do subbing. (He has meetings quite a bit on Thursdays, so he would still plan on working on campus those days.) Even at the end of Ben's school year, the local schools would still be in session, so I could sub even more during those weeks. It will be nice to be able to make a little extra money to help save up for trips or to help pay for things like camps and sports the kids want do do, as well as to start getting my name out there in the schools for when I do want to go back to work full time when Owen gets older. In Pennsylvania, you have to be a licensed teacher in order to sub, so it's a lot more difficult to become one here.
After I got back home with the boys that morning, it was still a rainy, dreary day outside, so I came up with the idea of getting out the play-doh for the boys to play together. I thought that would be fun for them, and it's something they don't get to do very often. They were very creative with what they made and had a great time doing this activity together.
Here are some pictures that Ben took of Owen in our upstairs bathroom. I'm not really sure what they were in there for, but they are cute pictures nonetheless.
Ben picked Samantha up from play practice and then took her to eat lunch at the cafeteria on campus since he got free lunch passes. She only had salad and ice cream, and when she got home, she didn't look like she was feeling very well. We took her temperature and she had a low temperature. We were afraid that maybe she had caught strep throat from Aedan, and encouraged her to rest and drink fluids as much as she could that day.
With some medicine in her and time to rest, she perked up quite a bit. I wanted to go out and do something as a family, but with her having a temperature, I knew that wouldn't be a smart idea. However, we did decide to take advantage of our time as a family of five to go out to a sit-down restaurant for dinner. We went to Texas Roadhouse down in Wilkes-Barre. We had to wait about twenty minutes, but the kids did pretty well waiting patiently and playing "I Spy" and their made up game "Ichabobbies," which is basically like 20 Questions. And we even had Batman at dinner with us! I thought it was so cute that he wanted to wear his cape and mask out to eat and didn't think twice about it.
Bedtime that night was interesting with only having our three kids. Our two new little ones had been away from our home overnight before, but not when we were actually still home, so this was a first for us since they arrived at our house the day after Thanksgiving. It's amazing how much more simple life feels when you go from five kids down to three kids. Ben and I were really glad we were able to set up these weekend overnight visits because it will give us a little more freedom on the weekends to do things with our family and spend time with just our own kids. Plus, it gives our two new little ones time with their parents without having to pull the little girl out of school, so it's a win-win for everyone involved.
(Blog about January 19-25, 2020)
