Guest Blog Post from Ben

What does it mean to be home? For me, the concept of home implies a place that I can be myself and not worry about being judged. It makes me think of the feeling I get of relief and comfort that can only come from a place where I am free to be myself. A place where I can be honest about my fears, concerns, and thoughts. 

I grew up in the Evangelical church. My parents took us to Sunday school, Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, and a mid-week service (provided the church was big enough to do that). I always knew that my church should be a place where I am honest about my thoughts and struggles. I always believed there was something wrong with me for not fitting in at churches because it was not a place where I could be honest.

You see, there are two reasons why I have only once felt comfortable in a church. First, I have a history of depression. My worst depression was my senior year of college. But, there has always been a part of me prone to getting lost in my own head and being depressed. Don't get me wrong, things are much better now that I am regulated on thyroid medicine. But, there are still times that I struggle with depression. 

Growing up (whether this was intentional or not) I heard that depression and mental illness was more of a spiritual issue than a medical issue. This meant (in my mind) that being depressed, or being generally melancholy, reflected more on my faith than any other potential effect. It made me afraid to admit that I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide for much of high school and college because that would also imply to those around me that I was not a good Christian due to my lack of faith. 

Once my depression "hit the fan" and I couldn't hide it anymore, I realized a few things. First, one of the strongest holds on me (keeping me depressed) was my fear of what others would think of me. Second, my depression and depressive tendencies are made much worse when my thyroid is unbalanced. There is no way to explain how different I feel and think over the last 9 years since I have started regulating my thyroid. This thyroid regulation does not take away all of my anxiety and depressive thoughts. But, I have a wife who does a very good job (even if she doesn't believe it) at making me talk.

The second factor influencing my lack of comfort in church has been political. Growing up the thing that I never understood was why Christians could agree to disagree on theology, but not politics. That is what led me to study religion and politics at Taylor for my senior thesis. It also led me to study Church-State relations at Baylor, and remains a major interest of mine as I finish my Ph.D. at Indiana. Put simply, this willingness to disagree on something I believe much more important (theology) but unwillingness to disagree on something more trivial (politics) has led me down my career path. 

More importantly, though, is that I have never bought the infatuation with the Republican Party by the Evangelical church. Don't get me wrong, I vote for Republicans; but, I also vote for Democrats. I have never (or will ever) believed that one party has the market corned on truth. This belief of mine has led me to being outcast by many people that I used to respect. I have been judged much more by Christians for not buying the Republican agenda than I have by academics for being a Christian. There have been several times I have been accused of not being a good Christian because I do not agree wholeheartedly with the Republican platform on all issues.

I have only once in my life felt at home in a church, which was our church in Bloomington*. I felt at home because there were people who accepted me and allowed me to ask questions. It was the first time that I realized a church was not automatically a place where I would feel left out and unwanted. But, I still go to church every week. Why? 

I go to church because I believe that Christians should be a part of a local community. I go to church because I believe that it is my responsibility to do my best to share life with other Christians. I also go to church because I hope that I can provide (hopefully) someone with a home who doesn't feel at home. 

The one thing that has kept me in the Church** has been my contrarian personality. I am comfortable (well, some might say I enjoy) with challenging standard assumptions more than most people I know. This means I will always look to play the devil's advocate on issues because I do not believe that simple answers are accurate answers. But, I have become less comfortable with not feeling at home in a church because I have started to feel more of a need for connection.

So, I guess I have written this partly as a cathartic exercise for my own behalf. But, maybe we can think about ways to make our own churches more welcoming of people that may be struggling in a number of ways. Or maybe, someone needs to hear that it is okay to feel alone and unwanted in a church. The way one feels about any one church should not influence one's relationship to God. 

I have also written this because I want to know if I am the only crazy one who feels left out. Maybe this really is a problem with me. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe I am the only one who does not know how it feels to be comfortable in a church?

* Partly this was because of a group of friends that have a similar personality as me, but it also reminds me of the Caedmon's Call song "Hold the Light" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un0sg0vw6ok

** I use a big-C because that denotes the "universal and invisible" church rather than a single church body.

Ben

Aedan Crawling Fast, Our First Zoo Trip of the Year, Our First Parent-Teacher Conference

Samantha: 46 Months, Week 1

Aedan: Week 47

Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, and Samantha had a party at preschool.  I dug out my Ireland shirt from when we studied abroad our sophomore year.  Even though it looked more like a dress on her, she wanted to wear to preschool.  We found some green pants in her closet, and she brought her Digestives with her for snack.  (Digestives are little cookies with a thin layer of chocolate on the top.)  We ate these little Irish cookies a lot when we were in Ireland, so we thought that would be a fun snack for her to bring and share with her friends.

Aedan had kind of a strange morning because he slept until 8:30, so he wasn't able to eat breakfast before we had to leave to take Samantha to preschool.  We had more time to play together that morning while Samantha was gone, but then it took him awhile to fall asleep for his morning nap.  I ended up just laying him down, and he finally was quiet around 11:00.  We left by 11:45 to pick up Samantha, but as least he got a little bit of a nap.  He probably had to readjust his schedule after having everything different when we were up in Chicago.

Since Aedan took a later nap and Samantha has ballet on Tuesdays, I wanted to put Samantha down for her nap before Aedan.  In the past this hasn't worked, she will still be in her room talking or playing after I am done nursing Aedan and putting him down for his nap.  However, this was not a problem that day.  When I was done with Aedan, I peeked into her room, and she was fast asleep in her bed.  It could be because she was tired from a full, fun weekend at Papa and Grandma's house, but I'll take it!

Aedan woke up from his nap in enough time for all of us to go to Samantha's ballet lesson together.  I had plans to go out that evening, and with Ben leaving early for Bible study, we weren't going to get much time to spend together that evening otherwise.  We both enjoy watching her dance and practice for her recital.  She is always so proud of herself and likes to show off, looking over at us and smiling frequently throughout her lesson.  I had plans to go out with some ladies from church that night, so on the way home from ballet, we stopped at Chipotle to pick up dinner for Samantha and Daddy.

I was pretty tired from being gone for the weekend, but I had been invited to go out to dinner and then to see Cinderella with some ladies from OBF.  I was excited that they thought to include me, so I didn't want to turn down the invitation.  Beth picked me up around 6:00, and Ben was in charge of amusing the kids and putting them to bed.  Shortly after I left, I got a message from Ben saying, "I have closed the bathroom door.  Our son keeps rolling there to get at toilet paper.  He is screeching at the door right now."  It's so funny how Aedan is investigating everything now.  He can roll pretty quickly from the living room into the kitchen or bathroom.  Samantha and Aedan had fun with their Daddy for the evening, and Aedan actually drank his bottle pretty well because he didn't nurse very well for me at nap time.  We think his top left tooth, next to his front teeth, is trying to poke through so he has been a little more finicky about nursing lately, probably because it feels kind of uncomfortable.  I was glad that the kids did well for Ben.  It was really nice to have a night out, to be able to talk with other women, and to feel like more than a mom for one night.

On Wednesday we had another exciting morning planned because Andrea invited us over for a play date, so Samantha could play with Matteo and Aedan could play with Benton.  Samantha was SO excited to go over to his house and see all his toys.  We arrived a little after 10:00, and even though Aedan was tired and ready for a nap, he got re-energized when we got to a new place with new stimulation.  Matteo showed Samantha his Hot Wheel cars and track, his play kitchen, and lots of other toys in the corner of the living room.  After a while of letting Aedan roll around and play on the floor, I decided to try laying him down for nap.  There was a pack and play set up in a back corner room, and there really was no way for me to rock him, so I just tried laying him down to see what would happen.  Usually if he is tired enough he will fall asleep with not much problem.  Periodically, I went back to check on him to see if he was crying or if he had fallen asleep.  It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, which I was glad for.  Samantha and Matteo played a hungry caterpillar board game and had a snack of goldfish and milk, and then went on to pretending that they had fire rescue animals and were putting out fires all around the house.  It was a successful play date, and I ended up having to wake up Aedan so we could head home for lunch.  Samantha did not want to leave; she could have stayed there all day.  We will definitely have to invite them back over to our house again sometime.

Even though it was already after noon when we left their house, we still had to stop by Kroger so that Samantha could pick out her snack and juice to bring to preschool the next day.  She was Star of the Day, and she wanted to pick out her snack herself, rather than have me pick it up for her.  She chose apple juice and teddy grahams.  While I was making lunch that afternoon, I got this cute picture of Samantha and Aedan playing together.  Now that Aedan is working on crawling, he is exploring every square inch of our house.  The new findings of that day were the kitchen drawer that he can pull in and out, and of course, the blinds, which provide endless entertainment.

Samantha loves Annie's mac and cheese.  I make it whenever we have a chance.  And now that Aedan is eating more table food, he has also become a fan of mac and cheese.  He gobbles it down and is very quiet when he's feeding himself food.

Both kids got pretty tired out by our morning play date and took great naps that afternoon.  Samantha has been doing so well going to sleep for me lately, all by herself.  Since Aedan slept until about 11:45, I wanted Samantha to go down for her nap first.  It's almost like she feels more grown-up or something now that I'm not staying in the room with her.  I will get Aedan all ready for his nap and he will join us in her room for books.  I will still sing her songs and pray with her, but then I just kiss her and say, "Have a good nap.  See you when you wake up!  I love you."  By the time I'm done nursing Aedan and laying him down for his nap, all is quiet in her room.  I usually peek in and see her all cuddled up under her blanket, fast asleep.  It's been SO nice not fighting her about nap time every day, and even more wonderful that she's actually been taking naps and not just getting up and playing in her room or looking at books.

Thursday morning was our typical day of dropping Samantha off at preschool and then going grocery shopping with Aedan.  He was getting pretty tired by the end of our shopping trip and was able to take a nap for about 45 minutes once we got home.  I made cheese quesadillas for lunch and after feeding Aedan half a jar of vegetable baby food and half a jar of fruit baby food, I started tearing off pieces of my quesadilla for him.  He LOVED it!  He gobbled up almost a third of a quesadilla.  This boy certainly loves his food.

After lunch, I started taking pictures of Aedan with the camera pointing towards him so that he could see himself.  He liked that, and of course Samantha had to get in on the action as well!  Such cute little kiddos. :)

Friday morning was one of those days where Samantha was just aimless.  She always wants to play with Ben and me, which is fine, but then sometimes she gets upset if we don't play how she wants us to play.  So, I decided that when Aedan woke up from his nap, we would go to story time at the library, to get out of the house for awhile and give Samantha other things (and people) to play with.  She said she didn't want to go, but she had a good time at story time.  She always loves listening to books read to her and really enjoys playing in the toy area of the children's department afterwards.  Aedan still does a pretty good job at the library, too, as long as he can roll and crawl and have his morning snack.

This next video is one of my favorites.  It captures our little crawler in action!  Two weekends ago when we were in Chicago, he was just rolling around to get everywhere and now he has definitely transitioned to crawling.  He will still occasionally roll or army crawl, but he has discovered the efficiency of crawling and he can go pretty fast!  In this video he is crawling for Samantha's Frozen backpack.  He will crawl even faster to get something if he knows he is not supposed to have it.  :)  There's a reason we call him our little stinker, or as Samantha says affectionately calls him, "stink."

On Friday night we went to a local Mexican restaurant to try it out before Ben went to a guy's night with some other OBF men.  They met at someone's house to watch the NCAA tournament.  Even though I was left to put the kids to bed on my own, I was glad that Ben decided to go to this.  I have gone out several times with various women, but he hasn't had much of a chance to get to know anyone outside of his weekly Bible study, our community group, and other faculty at Miami.

Saturday was supposed to be a really nice day, the nicest weather in the 10 day forecast, so we decided to take advantage of the weather and take our first trip of the year to the Cincinnati Zoo.  It was a little chilly when we first got there in the morning, but warmed up nicely by the afternoon.  I feel like this was the first time Aedan really noticed many of the animals there and really enjoyed looking around.  He didn't take a morning nap at all, but really did pretty well, especially once he was able to eat his little rice mum-mum snack.

Samantha was really looking forward to riding on the carousel again, and this time we decided to let Aedan have a turn as well.  At first we started with me sitting behind him on the animal, but the ride attendant told us that only one person was allowed on each animal.  We were a little concerned Aedan would just slide right off, even with the belt tied around his waist, so Ben and I both held him from both sides.  At first he was not a big fan of sitting on the animal, but I think that was because we were sitting still.

Because once we started moving, Aedan loved it.  He was giggling and smiling the whole ride as he had one hand holding onto the pole and the other holding onto the animal.  It was so great to watch him have this first experience.  :)

We ate the lunches that we brought from home and then rode the train together.  Aedan was getting pretty tired, so I went to the nursing mom's room to nurse him and hoped he would take a nap after that.  Well, he was actually so tired that he fell asleep in my arms while nursing.  I figured that trying to put him in the stroller would just wake him up, and we forgot to bring the Ergo in with us that day, so I decided to just drape my jacket over my shoulder and his head to block the sunlight and some noise out.  I just carried him in my arms as he slept.  It was a bit difficult maneuvering the stroller with one hand while I still carried Aedan, but we finally made it to the playground where we met back up with Ben and Samantha.  I sat down on a bench and Aedan continued to sleep as Samantha played.  We then made our way back to the manatee exhibit, and he kept sleeping in my arms until just before we went into the building.  It wasn't too long of a nap, maybe about 45 minutes, but it was better than nothing, and I couldn't help but enjoy holding my baby while he slept.

We stayed at the zoo until about 3:00.  Samantha was getting tired and began to lose interest in really looking at any more animals.  Aedan was tired from not napping much all day, so we decided to call it a day.  We had spent about 4 1/2 hours there and had a fun, full day.  On our way out of the zoo, Samantha had to stop and pet the rhino statues, even sitting on top of the small one.

Our weekend continued to be pretty busy with a full day of church activities on Sunday.  It was our week to volunteer with the elementary students second service, so we went to church for the first service.  Samantha always loves staying for both services because she can hear two stories and have two snacks.  We are always slightly concerned about Aedan being crabby when he misses his morning nap and is at church all morning, but he does great.  There are plenty of toys to crawl to and plenty of people to interact with.  Then, we had our community group after church.  Samantha had a chance to play and Aedan had a chance to nap while the adults met to talk about our book study on parenting.

Later that evening, I had to take a video of Aedan crawling towards some magnets on the floor.  I think watching him crawl from behind is pretty cute.  His hands move back and forth and then his little legs and knees just slide to keep up with his moving hands.  (I also think his little tushie is cute with his padded cloth diaper.)  He's a little monster, getting into everything, but we love it!

After having a busy weekend with not much napping, we had two tired kiddos on Monday.  It was a cleaning day for me, so we just spent the morning at home.  Samantha was pretty tired and cranky, but both kids took good naps that afternoon.  We had Samantha's preschool conference at 4:10 that afternoon, and Daddy planned to meet us there.  It was spring break for Miami, but Ben still planned on going to campus every day so he could get a lot of work done on his dissertation and hopefully finish it by the end of the week.

Samantha's conference went really well.  It was interesting going to my first conference as a parent.  Usually, I am the one sitting on the other side of the table as the teacher.  She had mastery in almost all skills under social development.  The only ones that they marked as progressing were: chooses another child for play (to which they commented, "She enjoys playing by herself quite a bit but is capable of properly entering play groups."), problem solves in assertive non-violent manner (to which they commented, "Sometimes she just needs to be more assertive!"), assumes responsibility for actions, and makes simple decisions without stress (to which they commented, "Sometimes if she's unsure of something she'll shut down rather than take a guess.")  None of those things surprised us.  We find those things to be true of Samantha at home as well.  Their general comment at the bottom of the page was "Samantha is a very sweet and intelligent girl.  It is so nice to see how she interacts with her friends.  She's enthusiastic learning about new things."

They also did a verbal preschool evaluation where they asked Samantha what her first and last name was, along with her home address to which she replied, "I don't have an addresss."  They asked her what her home phone number was and she said, "I have a play phone."  She was then able to properly give her age and birth date.  After that, they read a simple story aloud to Samantha and asked her what happened first in the story, what happened next, and what happened after that.  Samantha did pretty well on that, but got a little tricked by what happened first in the story.  She even used complete sentences when answering the questions.  She could identify her chin, finger nails, heels, shoulders, elbows, waist, and wrist.  The only body part she couldn't identify was her jaw.  She could follow 2 and 3 step directions and hold scissors correctly.  They said she didn't hold her pencil correctly because she held it up too high.  They also noticed that she didn't show a hand preference because she cut with her left hand and wrote with her right hand.  However, I have always seen her use her right hand for those things, so I think she probably has a preference for her right hand.  Under the self-help skills, she could snap, zip, button, and put on/take off her coat.  The only skill she couldn't do was tie, which is totally developmentally appropriate.  Under the gross motor skills, she could throw a ball, catch a ball, run, hop, jump, go up/down stairs with alternating feet, crawl, and gallop.  The only skill she couldn't do was skip.

When asked to count to 20, she only skipped over 13.  They asked her to identify numbers, and she had some trouble with the double digit numbers from 11-20, so that's definitely something we can work on more at home.  When identifying lowercase letters, she knew: c, b, f, n, o, z, a, m, s, and w; and she didn't know: k, e, i, r, t, v, x, d, h, j, g, l, 1, p, u, and y.  When identifying uppercase letters, she knew: B, T, A, C, H, N, Q, W, Z, Y, D, G, K, M, O, S, and R; and she didn't know: X, J, U, I, F, L, P, and V.  She could identify the sounds of Aa, Bb, Dd, Ff, Jj, Kk, Mm, Oo, Pp, Qq, Ss, Tt, Vv, Xx, Yy, and Zz; and she couldn't identify the sounds of Cc, Ee, Gg, Hh, Ii, Ll, Nn, Rr, Uu, and Ww.  She is getting much better at writing her first name.  She can complete a 6-10 piece puzzle, identify all her colors and all her shapes.  She had a little trouble continuing and creating simple patterns, but did great at sequencing events from first to last.

The biggest characteristic that stuck out to her teachers was her empathy.  She shows an empathy beyond her years, something that is very rarely seen in preschool.  There is just something about her that instinctively notices when someone feels left out.  Samantha is very concerned when any of her preschool friends are by themselves or sad.  She will go over to check on them and make sure they are okay.  There is a little boy in her class who sometimes would hit people.  I think he even hit Samantha a couple times.  We talked to her about how he might just feel scared or lonely and may need a friend, so we encouraged her to reach out to him and ask him to play with her.  Samantha has played with this boy on several occasions when she can tell he feels left out.  Well, one day she sat down next to him and they were just talking together.  Miss Becky took this as a great opportunity for a picture, and Samantha, the boy, and a couple other friends got in on it.  We are so proud of our little girl.

One of Aedan's and Samantha's favorite games is to chase each other around the house.  She will run and he will crawl after her as fast as he can.  I attempted to get it in the video below, but Aedan got tired and stopped playing.  However, I do like how she talks to Aedan and carries on a conversation with him even though he doesn't know how to respond to her yet.

(Blog about March 17-23, 2015)

An Unexpected Trip to Chicago

Samantha: 45 Months, Week 4

Aedan: Week 46

This week was full of highs and lows.  The weather was nicer, mostly in the lower 60s with one day even reaching up to 75 degrees.  Samantha had a good week at preschool, I made a meal for a local family who just had a baby, we got to play outside and go on family walks, and we were looking forward to a weekend in Upland with Ben's family, as well as a fun night with friends on Friday night.  We hadn't been to Upland since Christmas time, and Samantha was extremely excited about playing with Alaina, and seeing Uncle Timmy, Papa, and Grandma.

We did do something really fun on Wednesday morning.  Samantha's friend, Matteo, from preschool, his mom, and his little brother Benton came over for a play date.  I have been trying to reach out more to other moms, to make friends myself, and to encourage friendships for Samantha as well.  She was SO excited about Matteo coming over because he was supposed to come over the week before but his mom hurt her back and couldn't come.  Anyways, Matteo and Samantha had a blast together.  He brought some Little Pet Shop toys over to share with Samantha.  They played in the play room together, and they played trains up in her room together.  They got along really well.  I put Aedan down for a nap right before they came over, and he slept pretty much the whole time.  I actually woke him up toward the end of our play date so that he and Benton could "play" together.  Benton slept for a little while in the pack and play that I had set up in our bedroom, and then he just played on the floor the rest of the time while Andrea and I had a chance to talk and get to know each other.  We had a great time, and I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone to invite someone over.  They would like to have us over sometime next week, so that's nice that they are willing to reciprocate the invitation.

The picture below was my attempt at capturing a moment when Ben was reading to Samantha and Aedan was laying there listening to the story as well.  However, as soon as I came around with my phone to take a picture, Aedan was more interested in me than the book.

All of our plans changed when I received a phone call from my sister, Christy, early Friday morning.  Early Friday morning, around 1:30 a.m., my brother, Matt, had a seizure.  My dad heard him crashing around in his room and went to help him, while my mom called 911.  Matt was taken to the ICU and seized again around 8:15 Ohio time.  That seizure was much bigger and combative, so they had to restrain him.  Matt was born with a heart condition called mild aortic stenosis, and the doctors weren't sure if his heart condition caused his seizures or not.  A cardiologist and neurologist were going to see him during the day on Friday to determine what was going on and what steps needed to be taken.  Originally, they were going to plan an angiogram and cardiac catheter for Monday, but then decided to move the tests to Friday.  There was definitely a sense of urgency, mostly because of the continued high heart rate and low blood pressure.  At first, the neurologist didn't think his heart condition and the seizures were related, and Matt was put on seizure medicine which meant he would not be allowed to drive for 6 months.  His tests were over around 2:45, and they discovered that his arteries were good, but his valve was pretty narrowed and was leaking.  The doctors thought that the seizures may have caused some decompensation of the heart.  The cardiologist talked to the surgeon, and they were looking to schedule open heart surgery for that afternoon.

As all these events unfolded throughout the day on Friday, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  I couldn't believe my older brother was in the hospital, about to go in for open heart surgery.  I couldn't believe how quickly everything was moving with scheduling the surgery right away, giving all of us a feeling that things were a lot worse than we thought.  So, instead of staying in Upland for the weekend, we dropped Samantha off in Upland so that Papa and Grandma could take care of her for us, and so that she could still have the opportunity to see Alaina, Aunt Jeni, and Uncle Timmy.  It would have been really hard to have her with us when visiting and waiting at the hospital.  They couldn't keep Aedan since I am still nursing him.  So after getting Samantha settled and switching over her car seat, Ben, Aedan, and I hit the road again, on our way to Chicago.  It had already been a long, emotional day.  Luckily, we had a good trip and made pretty good time.

Matt went into surgery around 4:00 p.m. Chicago time and the doctor started the incision around 5:05 p.m.  They expected the surgery to last about four hours.  We arrived at the hospital around 8:15, and luckily Aedan fell asleep in the car for an hour or so before we arrived in Chicago, giving us the opportunity to talk with my family and get updated on how Matt was doing.  He was still in surgery, and they hadn't heard much of an update about how he was doing yet.  Although, at that point, no news was good news because if the doctor were to come out early to discuss something, that would mean that Matt took a turn for the worse.  Brielle and Aedan had a good time hanging out for awhile that night.  They were very interested in each other, although Aedan wanted to wrestle with Brielle a little too much for her liking.  After waiting until about 10:00, when they said they would know some information, Ben, Aedan, and I decided to just leave to get checked in at our hotel and put Aedan down to bed.  He was tired and needed to get to sleep.  We had a room at a Staybridge Suites hotel a couple miles away from the hospital.  We like hotel rooms with suites because then we can have Aedan (or Aedan and Samantha) sleep out in the living room area, while Ben and I can still be up doing things or watching TV in the bedroom.  It also has a bathroom attached to the bedroom so that we don't disturb them when we get ready in the morning.

After nursing Aedan, he didn't fall asleep with me since we were in a new place and he was distracted by the new noises and sights.  So I handed him off to Ben to rock to sleep so that I could head back to the hospital to be with my family.  Ben didn't have too much trouble and was able to lay him down around 11:25.  When I arrived at the hospital, the surgeon had come out to talk to my parents a half hour earlier.  When they went into surgery, they discovered his heart was much more of a mess than they thought.  They discovered he had congestive heart failure, calcification of a mitrel valve, there was an artery in the wrong place, and he even had signs of rheumatic heart disease.  I don't even quite understand what all that means.  The doctor said that Matt was lucky to be alive and that he hadn't had a heart attack yet, that he had been operating on a 50% survival rate every day for several months now.  They weren't sure if there would be any brain damage from the seizures he had.  Then, after they closed him up, the surgeon wasn't happy with the amount of bleeding, so they opened him back up to control the bleeding more, making his time in surgery much longer than they anticipated.

A little before 1:00 a.m., I finally convinced my parents to go home.  Matt was still in surgery and hadn't been moved to the ICU yet.  My parents wanted to wait until he was moved and they could see him, but my dad had been up for almost 24 hours, they had both been through a lot, and they needed to go home and get rest while they could.  Christy, Matthew, Brielle, and I stayed at the hospital until Matt got settled in a room in the ICU, and we were able to go back and see him.  Matt finally got moved sometime after 1:00 a.m., but we still had to wait until almost 2:30 a.m. before we could go back and see him.  His heart was beating on its own and was strong.  There was some arrhythmia, but nothing that would be considered unusual following heart surgery.  He was on a ventilator, and he was heavily sedated so that his body could continue to recover without having to worry about being awake and breathing on his own.  However, he was out breathing the ventilator, which meant some breathing was happening on its own, so that was a good thing.  We all got to go in and see him that night, and we talked to the nurse about how he was doing.  It was difficult to see him in a hospital bed like that, hooked up to so many machines, with a tube down his throat and wires everywhere.  However, we were relieved that he made it out of surgery.

I got back to the hotel and in bed at like 3:30 a.m.  I was exhausted, but it was hard to fall asleep.  I was worried about Matt and so hoped that he would continue to improve, that everything would be uphill from there on out.  Luckily, Aedan slept in until about 7:00, which was nice.  I certainly needed some sleep.  After eating breakfast together at our hotel, I put Aedan down for his morning nap, before heading back to the hospital to meet up with my family.  Once everyone arrived, we all went in to see Matt together.  It was rough.  My parents were understandably emotional.  Even though Matt was sedated, he could recognize our voices and started to stir when he heard us talking to the nurse.  He was still restrained so that he didn't try to pull any of his tubes out, but when he heard us he started moving his arms and pulling, trying to move around.  We went out in the hallway so that we wouldn't disturb him anymore, and my parents just started crying.  Christy hugged mom, and I hugged dad, but he wanted to go off on his own after a little while.  He's not used to being emotional in front of us.  This was a new experience for all of us.  It was hard to know how to help my parents, how to be there for them, and what to say to them.  I tried to remind my parents that without this surgery Matt probably would have a heart attack and die, that even though having open heart surgery is not what they would wish on their son, the doctors know what they are doing, and they are working to provide him with a better heart and a better quality of life.

The nurse told us that Matt would continue to be on the ventilator and be sedated until Sunday morning when they would do some tests with deep breathing and coughing to see if he would be strong enough to come off the ventilator, then they would go from there on what steps to take next.  She said the main purpose of Saturday was to let his body rest and work on healing itself.  She actually encouraged us not to come into the room and talk because it would make Matt stir too much, bringing up his heart rate, which was something they were trying to keep steady and controlled.  So for the rest of the day, we would occasionally peek in on Matt and talk with the nurse, but we wouldn't go into his room for fear of disturbing him.

Aedan took a good morning nap, and then I went back to the hotel to pick up Ben and Aedan, bringing them back to the hospital.  After visiting and talking for awhile, we decided to go get lunch at Panera and then head our own directions for the afternoon.  Aedan needed an afternoon nap, even though it was much later than usual.  He was going down for his nap at the time he normally is waking up from his nap at home.  I was pretty tired from being up so late into the morning, so I was ready for a nap myself.  However, like usual, I couldn't fall asleep, I was just too worried about Matt and how he was doing back at the hospital.  That evening, once Aedan woke up from his nap, we went back to the hospital to see Matt and to be together as family.  My cousin Brian and Aunt Diane even came to visit around 7:30 that evening.  It was good to see them and talk to them, even though it was under not the best circumstances.  However, it was already way past Aedan's bedtime, and he actually had fallen asleep in Ben's arms while we were all in seeing Matt before heading out for the night, so we didn't stay for too long.

On Sunday morning, my dad texted me with great news.  The nurses had Matt doing breathing exercises and hoped to have him off the ventilator in less than an hour.  The breathing tube was taken out less than an hour later, and Matt was doing great.  After putting Aedan down for his morning nap, I left for the hospital again, while Ben stayed at the hotel and did some work while Aedan slept.  I went in to see Matt with my parents and it was so great to see Matt.  He could talk, but his throat, mouth, and lips were really dry from having the ventilator in for so long.  He was still really tired because of the pain medication he was taking, and he was really emotional when he saw us walk in the room, crying when he saw us.  I don't think he full grasped all that had happened to him yet, how serious his condition was, how close he was to dying; and also how much we truly do love and care for him, enough to sit at the hospital to be with him and for us to drive to Chicago from Oxford to be there for him.

Aedan ended up taking over a 2 1/2 hour that afternoon, so I just went back to get Ben and Aedan once every one else was leaving the hospital.  Ben sent me this picture of Aedan when he woke up that afternoon with caption that read, "Hi mom!"

We all decided to split up for the afternoon and get our own errands done.  Christy and Matthew needed to get Brielle down for nap.  My mom needed to go into Bed, Bath, and Beyond to work on getting more time off of work.  My dad needed to pay some bills for Matt and take care of their dogs at home.  Ben and I needed to stop at a store to get a snack for Samantha to take for her St. Patrick's Day party and buy more diapers for Aedan.  Ben and I also decided to eat lunch at Flattop Grill.  We love his restaurant for some good mongolian barbeque, and there aren't any close to us, so we took advantage of the fact that there was one at the Yorktown mall, between the hospital and our hotel.  It was such a different experience going out to eat with just Aedan.  Ben and I were able to talk a lot more since Aedan will just sit quietly and eat his food.  This weekend we have been giving Aedan a lot more table food, like eggs and sausage at breakfast at the hotel, and some of our pita bread and small bites of my stir fry at the restaurant.  He was a big fan!  He has been eating way more food lately with his baby food jars plus samples of food from our plates as well.  He would gladly keep opening his mouth for more!

We got back to the hotel after 2:30, got everything situated, and I put Aedan down for his afternoon nap.  His schedule was so out of whack!  But he really enjoyed rolling around on the floor of the hotel room and playing with his toys.

Once again, Ben stayed back at the hotel with Aedan while I went back to the hospital to be with my family.  We bought some balloons that tied onto a teddy bear and a card for everyone to sign for Matt.  We brought it into his room for him, and he had a huge smile on his face when he saw it.  We only got to see him for a little while before they wanted to let him rest.  Around 6:00 the nurses were going to try taking Matt out of his room for a short walk.  However, we did get to talk with him for a little while when he was sitting up in a chair eating dinner.  It was just liquids, but he was progressing so quickly considering he just got his breathing tube removed that morning.  Ben and I were glad that we stayed an extra night in Chicago so that we could see and talk to Matt once he was out of surgery and out of sedation.

After saying good-bye to Matt and leaving the hospital, we picked up some deep dish pizza from Giordano's and brought it back to our hotel.  My parents, Christy, Brielle, and eventually Matthew joined us there for dinner and some additional time to hang out together.  However, it was nearing Aedan's bedtime, and he had already eaten dinner while we were waiting at the hospital, so he was slowly losing it even though we were letting him roll around and play on the floor to amuse himself.  We planned to leave to go back home after breakfast the next morning, so we said good-bye to my family.  The good thing is that we already had plans to travel back to Chicago in a month when Ben presents at a conference, so we will see everyone soon.

Monday was a long day of traveling.  Aedan did pretty well in the car, playing in the back seat and taking a nap on the way to Upland.  We took a little break in Upland to pick up Samantha, and then we hit the road to get back to Oxford so we could pick up Roscoe and get situated at home for another week.  We had two tired kiddos on our hands, and luckily, they both took a nap in the car on the way to Oxford.

For a couple of weeks now, Samantha has been needing to go to the bathroom much more frequently than normal.  It used to be that she'd go all night without having to go, or go when she wakes up in the morning and not have to go again until lunchtime.  This was not the case anymore.  She was waking up at least once a night needing to go potty, sometimes twice.  During the day she was going much more frequently, sometimes as much as four or five times in a span of two hours.  Nothing changed regarding her fluid intake, and we were truly perplexed by this.  We hoped that it was just a phase that would pass, but now we were getting concerned that there could be some medical issue behind it because it wasn't going away, but seemingly getting worse.  Even though Samantha went to the bathroom two times before we left Upland, we had to stop twice for her to go potty while driving the two hours from Upland to Oxford.  Of course this meant waking Aedan up and making him crabby, sitting in the car waiting.  We were getting really frustrated with this behavior because it was really impacting our way of life.  We were encouraging her to empty her bladder and she said she was, but it didn't seem like it to us.  So, after getting everything unpacked and having a quick dinner, I took Samantha to the employee heath clinic on Miami's campus to get her checked out.  They had her leave a urine sample and when tested they found a trace amount of bacteria in it.  She didn't have any other symptoms of a bladder infection because it didn't burn or sting when she went to the bathroom, and she didn't have a stomachache or a backache or a fever.  However, the doctor at the clinic prescribed her an antibiotic to take care of the bacteria they found as we waited for the culture to be sent out for further testing.  We hoped that this antibiotic would help solve the problem and bring Samantha's bathroom habits back to normal.  More on that to come in the next post.

(Blog about March 10-16, 2015)

Aedan Learns to Crawl!

Samantha: 45 Months, Week 3
Aedan: Week 45

Tuesday was one of those days where if something could go wrong, it did.  Tuesday mornings are a bit crazier than normal anyways because of Ben leaving early for Bible study, but this day was exceptionally bad.  We were rushed getting ready, I had both kids in the car, and we actually were going to make it to preschool on time, but I could not find my keys anywhere.  I looked everywhere I could think of in the house and in the car.  It was 9:00, the time we are supposed to arrive at preschool, and I still couldn't find them.  I tried calling Ben, even though I knew he was in class, to see if he possibly knew where they were.  He texted me back to make sure everything was okay, and even offered to find someone to proctor so that he could get home, but then I found them in the pocket of the coat I had worn the day before.  I just felt so stupid and absent minded, wasting all our time looking for my keys, instead of just putting them in the basket on the shelf by the door where they belong.  I got so upset because I was tired, which tends to make me react even worse.

The rest of the day wasn't the greatest either.  Samantha has been having trouble with needing to use the bathroom right after we just took her, particularly at nap time.  She also has started waking up in the middle of the night needing to go potty, which is totally unlike her.  For a year and a half prior, ever since she's been out of pull-ups, she would sleep straight through the night without needing to go potty until the morning when she wakes up.  But for the last week or so, she's been waking up once a night, occasionally even twice a night, to go potty.  So Tuesday afternoon, 20 minutes after taking her to the bathroom before her nap time, she was in her room crying about needing to go potty again.  I didn't understand what the problem was, and I was getting so frustrated with hearing her whine about needing to go potty, particularly when she's in her room at nap time.

Another problem I was facing was with Aedan wearing cloth diapers at night.  His diapers were leaking pretty much every night, resulting in me having to change his pajamas and sleep sack every night because of his diaper leaking.  He sleeps on his tummy a lot, which I'm sure doesn't help either, as it is always leaking out the side or the top of the front.  I didn't want him feeling wet to be the reason he was waking up at night.  We were using special nighttime heavy wetter diapers with two microfiber inserts and one hemp insert, but that didn't seem to be working anymore.  I wanted to find a solution to this problem, but didn't know what to do, so I posted on Facebook to see if any fellow moms had any suggestions for me.

Another issue with our kids this week was that they started waking up super early and not going back to sleep.  Samantha was waking up between 5:30 and 6:15 to go potty and then often would not go back to sleep.  Aedan was waking up between 4:30 and 5:30 and either taking a lot of work to get back to sleep (like many minutes of rocking him in his room), or he just babbled and kicked around in his bed (which meant he was then keeping everyone else up listening to him).  Ben and I were so tired from all this interrupted sleep, and we weren't sure what was causing it, if anything.  We hoped it was just a phase, and I was looking for answers on how we could encourage our children to sleep to a more normal time in the morning.

Because of all these issues the last week or so, I had a really hard time with parenting.  I feel like I have improved a lot in not getting angry or losing my patience as easily, but this past week was another story.  When I am tired or stressed or overwhelmed, I lose my patience very easily, especially now with two kids that I'm home with all day.  I said things I didn't mean and behaved in a way that is not good or loving or kind.  When I act like this, I feel terrible about myself and feel like a failure as a mom.  There were a lot of issues going on at the time with our kids not sleeping well, with Samantha crying to go potty during the night and at nap time, and with both kids waking up early and not going back to sleep.  In addition to these things physically wearing me out, all these issues made me feel even worse because I thought that if I were just doing something different than I could help resolve the problems.  Sometimes I just get so caught up in whatever is going on at home, that I refuse to see anything positive and I let it negatively influence everything else.

And so what did my sweet husband do?  After taking Samantha to ballet, he stopped at Kroger and bought me my favorite Starbucks drink, along with two bouquets of flowers, specially picked out by Samantha.  He wanted to cheer me up and let me know that I am a good mom, despite all the thoughts that were running rampant in my head.

Wednesday was a much better day.  We went to the library for story time, both kids took good naps, and I got the chance to hang out with Maggie during nap time and Beth, after putting Aedan to bed.  It was good to talk to fellow women and friends.  It helped clear my mind and reassured me that I am not alone in my feelings.

It snowed on Wednesday night, and since Oxford doesn't do a good job of plowing their roads, schools were on a 90 minute delay on Thursday morning, which also applies to Samantha's preschool.  It was kind of nice in some ways because Aedan woke up early that morning, giving me the chance to lay him down for an earlier nap before I even had to leave to take Samantha to preschool.  While Aedan napped, Samantha and I played together.  She helped me make banana chocolate chip muffins, and while I cleaned up the dishes, she sat at the table and colored.  She LOVES to color.  She could color all morning if we let her.

After dropping Samantha off at preschool, it was a busy morning for Aedan and me.  I decided to still do our weekly grocery shopping trip, even though we had less time to do it.  I didn't want to have to go out another time to go shopping.  I got the shopping done and got back home and unloaded all the groceries just in time to leave to pick up Samantha at 12:30.  It was difficult on Aedan that morning because he took an earlier morning nap, but his afternoon nap was pushed later because of getting home later from preschool and still needing to eat lunch before our nap time routine could begin.  I left Samantha's room when she was still awake, and I didn't think she was actually going to sleep, but she did end up falling asleep.  After I left her room, I didn't hear any noise from her.   A little while later I peeked in, and she was fast asleep in her bed.  It was nice that we had two good days of napping in a row.  Samantha is in such a better mood when she takes a little nap during the day.  However, ironically, after only sleeping for about an hour, Aedan woke up from his nap and wouldn't go back to sleep.  He was so tired, but we think he might be teething, getting two more top teeth in his mouth.  It seems like on days that Samantha takes good naps, Aedan has a harder time.  Trying to get both kids to nap at the same time is challenging at times.

Here is a video of Aedan rolling around and playing with his balloon on Thursday afternoon while Samantha watched her show after her nap.

Throughout the week, Samantha continued to have trouble with going potty a lot more frequently.  On Friday, after putting her down for her nap, she started crying saying she had to go.  She usually goes when you take her, but it doesn't make sense why she doesn't totally empty her bladder before she gets in bed.  Silly girl!

Aedan took a two hour nap on Friday morning, which is nice because then Samantha and I have more time together without having to watch him, but it makes it more difficult for Aedan to fall asleep in the afternoon.  Also, I usually nurse him before his afternoon nap, but every once in a while he doesn't want to nurse.  This week it could be related to his top teeth coming in, or it could be that he is just not as hungry because of eating lunch right before nap time.  The good thing is that I can usually just lay him down in his crib with his pacifier, and he will fall asleep on his own.  I like that he occasionally falls asleep on his own because it makes me not feel guilty about the times he falls asleep while nursing or while being rocked.

Here are some pictures from that afternoon.  Aedan loves anything that can be rolled across the floor or thrown into the air.  Balls are probably his favorite toy.  It's funny how there are already so many differences between Samantha and Aedan, even in the toys they prefer to play with.  Samantha never really cared too much about playing with balls.

Aedan has been getting super hungry lately before dinner time.  So usually between 4:30 and 5:00, we will give him some sort of a snack while we are making dinner, in order to tide him over until we are ready to eat.  A little snack helps hold off the crankies.  I bought these little mum mum rice crackers awhile back, and at first he wasn't so sure about them, but now he's really taken to them.  I like watching him hold the cracker and feed himself, too.  It's good practice, and he likes feeling independent.  (I also think the faces he is making in these pictures are pretty great, along with the lovely comb over hair style.)

On Saturday, we had a fun day hanging out together as a family in the morning, and the kids took good naps, which allowed us to go out to eat that evening.  Ben and I had been craving Chuy's for awhile now, but it's about 40 minutes away in Cincinnati, so we don't like to go unless our kids are in good moods and can handle the car ride as well as sitting down to eat in the restaurant.  The evening went really well.  Samantha loves her rice and beans and quesadilla.  Aedan enjoyed his baby food and looking at all the decorations.

Ben and I sat across from each other at the restaurant, and both kids were occupied enough with eating and looking around, that he and I were able to actually carry on a conversation.  We talked a lot about our future, and our conversation was so good.  Ben has a definite contract for another year as a visiting assistant professor at Miami, and the department hopes to add a line for a tenure track position for the fall of 2016, pretty much exactly in the area that Ben studies.  They are really pleased with him, the students like him, and he has gotten good teaching reviews.  Miami would really like to keep Ben on as faculty from how they make it sound.  

However, another opportunity has come up at another school that I will not name.  I don't want to cross any lines by being too forthcoming until it's a more real possibility.  We didn't think this school would ever be a possibility as a place for Ben to teach because they have recently hired two political science faculty.  However, one of the faculty members has not worked out well with the school and is now on a one year terminating contract and so is looking for jobs elsewhere.  There is a possibility that the professor could get a job for next year, leaving a vacancy that needs to be filled.  This school has been putting feelers out as to Ben's interest in a position at said school, wondering if Ben has accepted a tenure track position at Miami yet, that sort of thing.  So Ben and I spent quite a deal of time discussing these two possibilities and how our future would look if we stayed in Oxford or if we moved to this other school.  We have a few concerns about the other school, because although we feel very strongly about the school, the community of students, the tuition benefits, and the proximity to family, the town is a lot smaller than Oxford, and I am concerned, to be honest, that I will be bored and that I won't be able to find enough activities for myself and the kids.  However, this other school has many benefits as well.  We could be a lot more involved in the student body and would feel much more comfortable having our kids around campus.  All in all, it would be difficult to turn down a job at this other school, if Ben was offered the job there.

It's hard for me not to think months down the road.  It's hard for me to not get lost in a land of hypotheticals.  Ben is SO close to finishing his dissertation and will probably defend it in the next month.  The next place we go, whether it is staying here or moving somewhere else, is the place that we'd like to be long term.  We are tired of moving and having to start over with a new church and new friends.  We want to get settled, get to know people, and really put down our roots in a community.  I am so excited about this next phase of our life.  I'm so excited for Ben to finish his dissertation so that he is no longer stressed out and pretty much doing two jobs, plus being here for his family.  I am so excited about not renting anymore, about buying a house and making it a home, putting our own touches in it, and buying new furniture that fits well in it.  It's hard to not want to just fast forward to when we figure out where and who will offer Ben a tenure track job.  I am so proud of him and all the hard work he has put into graduate school.  He works harder than anyone I know, but I know we are both ready to officially move out of the student phase.  I know God is in control of our future, and in the past when we thought we knew what was best, God surprised us with taking us a new direction.  Looking back, we know that God led us exactly where was best for us.  So rather than living in hypotheticals and hoping for a certain outcome that may or may not happen, I will continue trying to pray about our future, knowing that God will orchestrate all the plans for it, letting us in on His plans when we need to know.

After eating at the restaurant, both kids were full and happy, and we had a great ride home.  It's always nice when you have a successful night out as a family. :)

On Saturday night daylight savings time began, and it was time to move our clocks forward one hour.  We were unsure how this would affect our kids sleeping.  We hoped that instead of waking up at 6:15, they would sleep until 7:15, and that maybe our problem of having both kids waking up super early would be solved by our clocks moving forward one hour.  Of course, Ben and I didn't go to sleep an hour earlier, so we lost an hour of sleep, but our kids slept in that Sunday morning, just like we hoped they would, so Ben and I took advantage of the extra sleep as well.

After a nice relaxing morning, I got this great video of Aedan truly crawling for the first time.  In the past he has only ever moved one knee and one arm.  However, if there is something to crawl towards, in this case Samantha's motorcycle toy, he has great motivation to get to it.

Monday was a cleaning day for me, so we just stayed home and played.  Samantha even helped me clean some.  She has been doing a really good job taking naps for me lately.  She also has been sleeping more at night, which is a welcome relief after a week where she was operating on not enough sleep.  Sunday night, after a long day at church and small group, she slept almost 12 hours Sunday night.  Despite sleeping so long, and even though she was being silly and told me she didn't want to go to sleep when I left her room on Monday, she still took a good nap.  She woke up in the middle of her nap needing to go potty, but then went right back into her room and went back to sleep.  I was so proud of her.  We were so happy with how well she was sleeping that we decided to give her a special treat that night by taking her out to get frozen yogurt at Orange Leaf.

Looking back on this week, there were a lot of highs and a lot of lows.  It's amazing how exhausting and rewarding being a mom can be.

(Blog about March 3-9, 2015)

Aedan Turns 10 Months!

Samantha: 45 Months, Week 2

Aedan: Week 44

On Monday night, I was looking through some old pictures when working on my blog, and I got caught up in Aedan's newborn pictures.  It's amazing how fast babies change and how quickly you forget what they looked like, how they acted, and how they sounded.  Sometimes when looking back at pictures like this I get all teary-eyed.  I said to Ben, "If Aedan were sleeping through the night, I would be ready for another baby."  Ben posted this comment on Facebook and added the reply, "I guess I need to keep giving him the special medicine that wakes him up in the middle of the night..."  I have already won Ben over on having three kids even though he says he would be just fine with the two we have, a boy and a girl.  We plan to not wait as long in between Aedan and the next baby, especially because it will probably be the last one, so then we can get out of the baby stage sooner.  We'll see, gotta get Aedan sleeping through the night first.

Ben has started attending the Tuesday morning Bible study at church again, so that leaves me to get up and around, and get the kids up, fed, dressed, and out the door by myself.  Luckily, even though they woke up at 6:45 (which is too early for this mama), Samantha is usually helpful in getting ready because she enjoys preschool so much and looks forward to it every Tuesday and Thursday.

After dropping Samantha off at preschool on Tuesdays, Aedan and I generally go back home so he can nap, unless I have errands to run or something like that.  He was really tired from waking up earlier than usual, so he took a 2 hour morning nap.  I figured there was no reason to wake him up, and I was able to get some work done around the house while he was sleeping.  However, since he took such a long nap in the morning, I couldn't get him to sleep that afternoon.  He nursed and then just started pulling my hair.  (I should know just to wear my hair in a ponytail every time I go to nurse him.)  I tried just laying him down while I put Samantha down for her nap.  Preschool wears Samantha out pretty well, and she fell right asleep for me.  I only stayed in her room for 5 minutes, and she fell asleep after I left her room, which is great because she doesn't normally do that.  Aedan wasn't crying, but hadn't fallen asleep yet, so I went back into his room to try and rock him back to sleep.  I walked in and he just smiled at me.  I tried rocking him, but he just kept scratching me and pulling my hair, so I laid him back down in his crib.  He was showing signs of being tired, like yawning and rubbing his eyes, but then he cried when I left the room.  I didn't want him to cry too loud and wake Samantha up on a day that she actually fell asleep for nap time, but obviously having me in the room with him wasn't helping him to fall asleep either.  He finally calmed down and fell asleep, which I was glad for, but only ended up sleeping for just over an hour.  Ahh, nap time struggles.

It was my turn to take Samantha to ballet.  Now that Aedan doesn't nurse before dinner anymore, Ben and I take turns taking Samantha to ballet.  I got some videos of them dancing and practicing their dance for the upcoming recital.  I mainly wanted to record these dances so that I could play them for Samantha, and I could help her practice the dance steps at home.  They have such a limited time to practice at ballet class and sometimes Samantha gets distracted by the other girls in her class.

While Samantha and I were at ballet, Daddy got to hang out with Aedan, who enjoys rolling around on the floor and sticking his little tongue out, as you can see in this video.

Wednesday was a rough day for Samantha.  She has been waking up earlier than usual, sometimes as early as 6:15, and then not going back to sleep.  (Aedan has been waking up earlier like that as well.)  Ben wanted to take Samantha to a Miami women's basketball game on Wednesday, but it was mostly dependent on what kind of a day Samantha had and whether she'd be able to handle being out past her bedtime.  Knowing that she might go on a date with Daddy that night, Samantha decided to wear her red Miami shirt and then had to pick red pants and her apple sweater with the red apple because then they all matched.

After Aedan got a morning nap in, we took our weekly trip to the library for story time.  It was the last week for Mr. Chad, so we enjoyed stories and songs before playing out in the children's department.  Aedan likes sitting by this toy and playing with the knobs you can turn on the side.  

For how easy it was to get Samantha to sleep on Tuesday, Wednesday was a different story, even though she woke up super early and was acting tired and disrespectful all morning, she refused to nap.  It seems like the days when I try the hardest to get her to nap are the days it doesn't happen.  I was trying so hard to get her to nap so that she could go to the basketball game with Daddy, but nothing I was doing was working.  I think she was too excited about going to the game, which resulted in her not napping, which then resulted in her not being able to go at all.  I was getting overly frustrated trying to get her to sleep, and nap time was turning into a battle again, something I dread every day because I never know how it will go with Samantha.  I had been doing pretty well at not getting worked up over whether or not she napped because it's something I can't control anyways, but it's difficult when she's in her room making all kinds of noise for 45 minutes and then crying about having to go potty, even though she went 3 times between coming home from the library and getting in bed for nap time.  Even though nap time doesn't seem like a big deal, it's this kind of thing that makes me feel like a failure as a mom.  I feel like I know what would be best for Samantha, but I can't make it happen.  Then, I get angry with her when she doesn't get enough sleep and is cranky, taking it out on her, even though I know that won't help the situation at all.  I know she's probably just asserting her independence and this is one way she can do that, and I need to continue to work on not overreacting.

For some reason our kids continued to wake up really early in the morning and not go back to sleep.  It's hard when they are already tired and it's not even 9:00 a.m.  On Thursday Samantha had preschool and Aedan and I went grocery shopping, just like usual, even though he was extremely tired.  I had to wake Aedan up at noon so that we could go pick Samantha up from preschool.  Apparently she was telling her teachers that she could take a nap at preschool she was so tired.  However, the benefit of Samantha and Aedan being tired is that nap time becomes a lot easier.  Both kids took good naps, and it was actually harder to get Aedan to sleep than Samantha since he had just woken up at noon.  Since they both took good naps that afternoon, and neither Ben nor I felt like cooking, we decided to go to Five Guys for dinner before I headed out for my Bible study.

On Friday morning my stomach was not feeling good.  I didn't know if I had caught some sort of stomach bug or if I had eaten something that made me sick.  It seemed like no one else in the family was feeling bad, and I had been drinking green smoothies most days for lunch.  Anyways, Ben went to campus Friday morning, and I tried to lay low as much as possible.  During Aedan's nap, I took this picture of a robin sitting on our bird feeder outside our living room window.  I haven't seen any birds on our bird feeder the whole time we've lived here, and I thought this bird was so pretty, especially with the backdrop of the snow.

I just felt worse and worse as the day went on, so I asked for Ben to come home after his class to that he could help me put Samantha down for her nap and then be home to get up with the kids so that I could take a nap myself.  I slept until dinner time, hoping that I would feel better after getting some rest, but no such luck.  We had plans to go to a family concert at OBF that evening, and Ben bravely offered to take the kids by himself.  I felt bad making Ben go by himself, and I was looking forward to a fun family weekend, but I was in no position to go out of the house and away from a bathroom.  Samantha had a great time dancing and singing, and even Aedan enjoyed himself.

Saturday morning, even after resting most of the day on Friday, I was still not feeling well.  We spent the day hanging out and relaxing at home.  I tried to do things as normally as I could so that Ben could work on his grading.

However, by lunch time I could tell that I had done too much, and I felt terrible.  I was almost feeling nauseous, so I decided to lay down again while Ben put both Samantha and Aedan down for naps by himself.  I felt bad leaving him with the kids on his own, but I was trying my best to feel better.  I wasn't really able to nap that afternoon because my stomach was just uncomfortable, and Aedan didn't fall asleep well since he isn't used to getting a bottle at nap time, so I ended up having to go in and nurse him to get him to actually fall asleep.

We had plans for our friends Maggie and Jonathan to come over to play games on Saturday night, and I was unsure about whether to have them over or not with how I was feeling.  I was thinking it was just something I must have eaten since no one else got sick in the family.  We ultimately decided to have them over because we didn't want to miss out on a fun night together.  We were looking forward to this for a long time.  I still wasn't feeling great after they left, so Ben lovingly went to Meijer at 11:45 to get me some Immodium and hopefully settle my stomach so that I could sleep.

It started snowing Saturday night, snowing all night long into Sunday morning.  We got a few inches on top of the seven inches we already had from the weekend before.  Oxford doesn't do the greatest job at clearing the roads, so church was actually cancelled on Sunday morning.  It was a blessing in some ways, giving us a nice, relaxing day at home, rather than a busy day of church and small group.  However, I was planning on staying home from church and small group anyways, and was sort of looking forward to having the house to myself so that I could rest and continue to get feeling better without having the responsibility of taking care of the kids.

Aedan's hair is getting really long, so sometimes he wakes up with crazy hair.  I had to take a couple pictures of his hair on Sunday morning because it was sticking up like crazy all over the place.  Plus, you can see the little bruise on his cheek from where he fell into the coffee table on Friday.  We definitely have a little mover on our hands.  Ben and I think crawling will happen any day now.

Throughout the day on Sunday, and after a wonderful afternoon nap for everyone in the house, I was starting to feel better on Sunday night.  I was so glad to feel more normal and to be able to play with Samantha and Aedan again.  However, I was upset that my sickness robbed me of a fun weekend with my family, making me feel crummy, instead of spending quality time with my family.  I felt like I needed another weekend before the week started up again.

In this video below, you can see one of Samantha's favorite games to play with Daddy.  She will yell, "Go, Colts, Go!"  and then he will swipe her feet out from underneath her so that she falls down on her tummy.  Of course, he always catches her.  This is a game that she can only play with her daddy, and she loves it!

Monday morning, I was feeling pretty much back to normal, and I was so thankful.  When Samantha got up that morning, she asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "Much better, thank you."  She said, "See?!  God healed you!"  Daddy said Samantha had been praying for me to get better during her nighttime prayers, and she was so excited to see that I was finally all better, back to normal Mommy again.  I was also glad that Daddy could go off to campus and not worry about how I was feeling.  I didn't want to make him stay home again because he always has so much work to do, I don't like making him feel like he is behind.

Just like when Samantha was a baby, Aedan LOVES playing with the doorstops in our town house.  He will roll all the way across the floor and push his door open to get to the one behind it.  Then he will pull on it and watch it vibrate, with great satisfaction.  We don't mind that he plays with them.  The only problem is that they have a a little while cap on the end that comes off easily when pulled on, and we are always afraid he will put it in his mouth and choke on it.  When Samantha was a baby, we actually ended up just unscrewing all the doorstops from areas where she could reach them because we didn't want to always worry about her pulling the white cap off.  Here is a little video of Aedan playing with the doorstop.

While Aedan was napping that morning, Samantha and I took advantage of the bright sunshine and "warmer" temperatures to go outside and play in the snow.  We donned all our snow gear, and our first task was building a snowman.  Samantha had lofty goals of building two snowmen, a mommy and a baby, but her attention span is just not long enough for the effort it would take to do something like that.  So we settled with this little snowman with blueberry eyes, a carrot nose, and a scarf wrapped around its neck.  Samantha was pretty proud of it.

After finishing our snowman, we went off to the side of our house and went sledding down a little hill.  It was actually the perfect size for Samantha because it was steep enough that she got going pretty fast, but not too steep where it was difficult to climb back up again.  We even went down the sled together the last couple times.  I love doing things like this with my little girl. :)  We had a great time in the snow together that morning.

Now that Aedan has mastered the art of rolling and scooting wherever he wants to go, he has discovered the bathroom.  He will just roll himself right in there and see what he can discover.  Here I caught him in the act of investigating Samantha's bag of ballet clothes that were left on the floor.  One day I even caught him eating a bit of toilet paper!  Samantha left the toilet paper rolled down too far so Aedan could reach it from the floor, he tore a piece off and of course immediately put it into his mouth.  I had to fish it out with my finger.  Oh well, I'm sure it's not the last weird thing that Aedan will put into his mouth!  However, we often comment that now nothing is safe, anything on the floor or within his reach is fair game.

Since there was no 29th of February, Aedan didn't technically turn 10 months old, so I took pictures with his sign at the beginning of March.  It's difficult to get good pictures of Aedan because he is so active now.  I figured starting off in his exersaucer would help me get pictures of him still and smiling.

Then, I tried putting him down on the floor with his sign, but he was way too interested on getting to it and putting it into his mouth.

So I tried  putting him on the black chair with the sign behind him so he couldn't reach, but that didn't work either, he was just arching his back and sliding down in an attempt to reach it.

When I tried holding it out in front of him and taking a picture, he still reached for it, and when I didn't give it to him...

...this is the reaction I got.  He makes the greatest faces.  This is the face he makes when he is truly sad and upset.  He's so expressive, just look at that face!

Don't worry, I didn't let him cry like that for very long.  Seconds later, I let him have his sign, and I allowed him to do whatever he wanted with it, which it included ripping it apart and sticking it in his mouth.  This made him very happy.

These next few pictures are to showcase Aedan's skills at 10 months old.  He can get up on his knees easily, even holding himself up with one arm and reaching out to hold something or grab something with his other arm.

He loves to roll around and explore and is just starting to crawl where he will move one arm and one knee forward, but then he'll fall down on his tummy, so he hasn't quite gotten the hang of that yet.  However, he is pretty adept at rolling, and can roll across the floor pretty quickly to get to what he wants.

Aedan has not yet begun pulling up on things, which really is fine with me, as that just adds a whole level of things that come into his reach.  We are still working on babyproofing things he can get into while he rolls and crawls around.  However, I like to give him practice standing and supporting himself, so I will stand him up in his crib and let him hold on to the railing, or I will let him hold himself up while standing next to the couch.  He likes the different viewpoint.

I figured I could also write a few general updates on Aedan other than how active he is.  For awhile now, we have been giving him 4-4 1/2 tablespoons of baby cereal in the morning for breakfast, sometimes along with pieces of banana or other small cereal pieces.  For lunch, we give him half a jar of vegetables and half a jar of fruit, along with small pieces of what we're eating, like mac and cheese, or pieces of lunch meat (he especially likes that).  Then, for dinner we give him a full jar of vegetables and a full jar of fruit, along with small pieces of what we're eating.  He really enjoys his food and likes most everything, especially after he's tried it a few times.

In regards to sleep, Aedan still isn't really sleeping through the night.  He will go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 and will usually wake up once in the middle of the night to nurse and then will go right back to sleep.  Occasionally, he will sleep all the way to 6:00 or so, which I would count as sleeping through the night, but that is still a rare occasion these days.  I would rather him be sleeping through the night and not interrupting my sleep, but most nights I don't really mind, especially if he just wakes up once, nurses, and goes right back to sleep.  I enjoy cuddling with him and having him nurse peacefully instead of pulling my hair and hitting me in the face like he does when he nurses during the day.

I can't believe my little man is two months away from being a year old.  This year has gone so fast, and he's getting so big.  :)  I am so grateful that I have gotten the chance to stay home with him, and with Samantha.  It is wonderful watching him learn and explore the world.  It is precious to see the bond form between Samantha and Aedan.  Everyone comments on how sweet and happy Aedan is.  There is a nursery worker at church who has a very sarcastic sense of humor and once told me, "He is just the happiest baby.  Don't be surprised if you drop him off in the nursery and some day you come pick him up and he's not there.  It probably means I've taken him home with me."  He really is a happy guy most of the time and really enjoys life.  He fits into our family perfectly, and I can't imagine what life was like before he arrived.

(Blog about February 24-March 2, 2015)