Doubt Creeping In & Samantha's First Haircut

Samantha: 38 Months, Week 4
Aedan: Week 15

Three year olds can say some pretty funny things sometimes, and Samantha is definitely not an exception to that.  So, we'll start off this post with a couple funny Samantha comments.  One time randomly in the car, Samantha said, "I like asking Grandma questions.  She knows more answers."  (I'm pretty sure she was talking about Upland Grandma, thinking about the time she rode in the car with her back and forth from Bloomington to Upland.)  Then, on the way to our house we drive on a stretch of road that goes up a hill with steep embankments on both sides.  She started off saying, "I don't care if you fall off."  Then this week she changed it and said, "I hope you don't fall off the side of the road."  I have no idea where she came up with this because we have never talked about falling off the side of the road.

On Tuesday morning, I attempted to get one of my items checked off my to do list, which was going to the WIC office to get put into their system and get new checks.  We still fall under the income qualifications, so we figured it would be worth it, especially in a few months when Aedan starts eating baby food.  You get LOADS of baby food jars from the WIC program.  Anyways, I called and talked to the office to make sure we brought all the paperwork with us that we would need since we had to make the 20-25 minute drive into Hamilton.  I piled the kids in the car and when we got there everyone was evacuating the building and there were fire trucks parked out front.  I got out to ask an employee if we should come back later, and they said yes, that they didn't know how long they would have to be out of the building.  I was a bit frustrated because we had made the trip all the way out there for nothing, and we just turned around and drove back home.  We got back just in time for lunch and nap time.

Nap time has not been my favorite lately because we have been getting back into nap time struggles.  Aedan has been sleeping in our room in the pack and play next to my side of the bed since we moved to Oxford.  I figured it would be best to try to transition to the crib once we moved here and got more settled.  I wasn't sure what the best way to go about it was, so I decided to try it at nap time since I didn't really want to mess with his (and our) night time sleep.  He had been doing really well at night, sleeping from when I nursed him and laid him down between 8:00 and 8:30 until 3:00 or 4:00 am.  He took an occasional nap in his crib when we lived in Bloomington, but I mostly laid him in the bassinet instead.  I tried him in the crib for the first time on Monday, and it did not go very well.  He woke up several times very upset, almost like he didn't know where he was.  I would have to put the pacifier in his mouth and put my hand on him until he fell back asleep.  There were even a couple times he was staring with very tired eyes at the bumper pads with animal pictures, like they were much too interesting to look at to actually close his eyes and fall asleep.  His trouble at nap time on Monday and Tuesday was so surprising to me because he has been such a good afternoon napper for so long.  I usually lay him down with no worries about him waking up until he is well-rested.  Now, Samantha had been doing really well with naps for awhile, probably because she was just so tired from all the change in our lives.  She napped on Monday, but did not nap on Tuesday.  

So Tuesday nap time was no fun.  Aedan woke up crying and I couldn't get him back to sleep.  I was feeling frustrated because I couldn't understand why he wasn't staying asleep in the afternoons.  He still looked really tired, so I knew it wasn't because he was done sleeping.  Then doubts started swirling around in my mind like: Does he not like his crib?  Are his bumper pads too stimulating for him to go back to sleep after he wakes up and looks around?  Does he not like being wrapped up?  Should I be working on weaning him off being swaddled with his arms wrapped up?  Also, I had to go into Samantha's room because she was being loud with singing and carrying on, and I didn't want her to disturb Aedan's sleep.  I was fairly stern with her, but not mean, and told her to lay down and go to sleep.  She just kept crying, "I can't!"  Then one time she put her hand out and yelled at me, saying, "Just get out!"  That kind of behavior was unacceptable, so I grabbed her and put her in a time out, which of course made her scream and cry even louder.  I definitely lost my patience with Samantha that afternoon.  I get frustrated in what to do with her sleeping.  She's cranky and crabby if she doesn't nap, but I don't feel like playing this game at nap time and bed time of trying to get her to be quiet and go to sleep.  I don't like being mean, and my sin nature flares up when I let my frustration get the best of me.  I morph into this angry mother, I get upset, and I don't want to treat my daughter like that, no matter what behavior she is displaying.  I know what it feels like to be yelled at and to feel the anger from someone else.  I know how small and unloved it makes you feel, and I don't want Samantha or Aedan to ever feel that way especially on account of me.  I want my children to know that I love them and care about them and think they are special.  I don't want the enemy to take over and let my emotions get the best of me.  After the events of this afternoon, I just felt terrible for the way I acted, so I prayed and asked my gracious, Heavenly Father to forgive me for the anger that consumed my heart at that time, asking instead that He would give me patience, mercy, and love in dealing with my children because that is how He deals with me.  God disciplines me when I am wrong, when I sin, but never out of anger, instead, always out of love and compassion on us.

I talked to Ben about my struggles that afternoon, and he suggested that it might be weird for Aedan to be in his crib for nap time, simply because it's brighter out and he's more aware of his surroundings.  He suggested maybe trying him in his crib at night first, so we decided to try it on Tuesday night.  I felt a bit strange about having him in the other room and not right next to my side of the bed.  I've gotten kind of used to hearing his grunting and breathing sounds during the night.  However, he didn't do so well in his crib.  He woke up a lot more, and I ended up just bringing him back into our room so that I wouldn't have to keep going into his room to settle him down during the night.  It was strange that he was waking up so much more during nap time and bed time because this has been so unlike him so far in his life.  I know He certainly was having a weird couple of days, making Ben and I much more tired during the day from not sleeping well at night.  We'll have to try him in his own room again another time.

On Wednesday we went to story time at the library again.  Aedan was awake, so I decided to get him out of his car seat and let him sit on my lap to watch the songs and stories.  Samantha LOVED having her little brother a part of story time and wanted him to be included in the songs.  There are a few songs that the librarian says each child's name, and she skipped Aedan since he wouldn't know the difference, but the next time the librarian went around saying the children's names, Samantha made sure the librarian didn't forget Aedan.  And she didn't skip him, she said Aedan's name, and Samantha was so excited that her little brother was included.

For all the craziness of nap time the last two days, Samantha went right down for a nap on Wednesday afternoon.  Aedan also had a good nap in his pack and play.  (I figured it wasn't worth it to try the crib again.  I just wanted him to have a good nap.)  I told Ben later that day that I think it was a gift from God.  He blessed me with a wonderful, peaceful, restorative afternoon of time to myself, just what I needed.

Since Samantha took a nice, good nap, we went out to the Oxford pool that night.  It is pretty small, with a round wading pool area as the kid's area, and then the bigger pool.  Luckily, they didn't mind if Samantha used her floatie, so Samantha had a wonderful time splashing around in the wading pool, even taking deep breaths and pushing herself off under water, swimming under water for a few seconds before popping back up again.  Most of the time she didn't even get any water in her mouth.  Her swimming skills have gotten really good this summer.  After having her fill of the wading pool, we went over to the deeper pool and let Samantha doggy paddle around in her floatie, as well as jump off the side into the water.  Aedan had a good time sitting on our laps watching his sister play.  We got his feet wet, but didn't get him totally wet because we didn't have a swim diaper and we didn't want him to get too cold.  We were at the pool for close to an hour, but it was clouding over and getting rather chilly, so we decided to call it a night.  We'll definitely have to come back again another time before it closes for the season.

Wednesday was such a good sleep day with good naps and good nights for both kids.  We continued to keep Aedan in our room, and he went back to sleeping like normal, waking up at 3:30 for the first time to nurse, then going back to sleep until 6:30.  Maybe he was just going through a weird phase for a couple days?  Maybe he's not ready for his own crib/room yet?  Who knows, if only kids came with an instruction manual.

Here is a cute video of Samantha playing with Aedan on Thursday morning.  She thought he needed a lot of toys to play with in his swing.

On Thursday, I decided to try again to get to the WIC office.  I tried calling, but their phones were down so we just tried going in to the office.  They were open this time, but the appointment took forever.  We were there for over two hours.  I had to fill out some paperwork, they had to put me in the system, they had to check my height, weight, and iron as well as Aedan's height and weight.  (His weight was 16 pounds, 11 ounces and his height was a little under 25 inches.)  I then had to talk to a lactation consultant and a nutritionist before they printed out my coupons.  Luckily, Samantha and Aedan did an excellent job for me while we were there even though it was extremely boring sitting around in the waiting room and in the office.  Samantha amused herself my dancing and singing for Aedan.  She even adorned him with a crown at one point, calling him, "Princess Baby."  Poor kid.  He doesn't have a chance with his big sister around.

Since the appointment took so long, we didn't even leave Hamilton until around 12:15 and still had a 25 minute drive back home, making us have a late lunch and late nap.  Luckily, despite Roscoe barking downstairs from some strange reason, Aedan got a good three hour nap in, which he needed after our full morning out.  Samantha played around for awhile in her room, then finally falling asleep around 3:00 and sleeping until 5:30.  It's hard to have these sleeping struggles flare up again because she really can't be taking that long to fall asleep for her nap and then sleep until dinnertime because it's too close to her bedtime which is normally at 8:00.  We know our little girl is extroverted and loves to be around people, but there has to be something we could do to help her settle down to sleep.  Is this a sign that she is truly ready to give up nap time?  Or is this just a way she's asserting her independence?  Once again, it would be nice if kids came with an instruction manual, and I have a feeling I'm going to say and think that a lot as we raise our children.

I, personally, had a rough, challenging week.  Along with letting my anger get the best of me with Samantha, I also let doubt and insecurity take over my mind.  I already had a tendency to do that before being a mother, so now that I have the great responsibility of raising my children, I feel even more "pressure" to do things the "right" way.  I doubt the decisions that I make and feel like I need to be doing this or that, just like everyone else is doing.  Or, I expect my kids to develop and act the same way as I think others are.  Or, now that I have two kids, I compare Aedan to Samantha, wondering why he isn't doing things at the same rate she was.  I second guess what I'm doing, afraid that I'm doing something wrong or not good enough.  Especially with Aedan, I have been letting myself believe the lie that I don't know what I'm doing.  This is right around the time I went back to work after having Samantha, so I wasn't really with her most of the day to deal with some of the scheduling issues, or when to nurse during the day, or when to establish a routine of where/when/how long to sleep.  So then I wonder if I'm doing the "right" thing with Aedan.  I love my Bloomington friends, and they are wonderful at giving advice.  I sent out an email updating them on our life and asking for them to pray for me regarding my doubt and insecurity in myself.  Their responses showed me just how lucky I am to have friends that love Jesus.  They challenged me, encouraged me, and loved me all at the same time.  I realized that I was looking in all the wrong places for help.  When I need help, I scour the internet for other moms experiencing similar problems, or I endlessly discuss these "negative" situations with Ben, or I email friends or post on Facebook asking for advice.  Instead, I should be taking my cares, concerns, worries, and doubts to the feet of Jesus, humbly laying them down, placing them in his capable hands, and leaning on Him to help me.  I am looking to the world instead of to my Savior, and that is something I desperately want to change.  Thank you, dear friends, for showing this major flaw in myself, helping to convict me in how I have been living my life lately.

Anyways, enough about me.  Since Samantha and Aedan both took really good naps on Thursday, we decided it would be a great night to go the the free concert in the Uptown park.  We got down there early and ate dinner at Skyline Chili, which is right across the street from the park.  Samantha really loves going to this restaurant even though I'm not sure why.  We always get her the kids' meal with two hot dogs that they pile high with cheese.  However, she picks all the cheese off, takes the hot dog out of the bun, and just eats the hot dogs.  Oh yeah, and the crackers they give you while you're waiting for your food.  Crazy girl, we can give you plain hot dogs at home if you want!

After dinner we got Samantha in her bathing suit so that she could play in the fountains in the park.  We sat and listened to the blues band play for awhile.  Samantha got a free balloon and sucker.  She danced with the balloon and hugged all the animal statues in the park.  It was a beautiful evening to spend time outside, and the free concert was a very nice family friendly event.  We had a great time. :)  We'll definitely have to go again another Thursday evening.

Here is a nice Toll family selfie. :)

I wanted to share a few quick stories about my little Samantha, to show how much she picks up on and understands about the world without us even having to say anything directly.  Thursday night at the concert in the park, she picked a cigarette butt up off the ground, held it up to her mouth (luckily not actually in her mouth), and then pretended to blow smoke.  How does she even know about this?  She is never around people that smoke, so she must have picked this up just from seeing people in public.  It blows my mind, the things she notices.  This is one I would rather she hadn't noticed.  A more positive story is that Samantha has been using her step stools, that we keep in the bathroom so she can reach the sink to wash her hands, in order to reach things that are up high.  For example, she was trying to reach Aedan's pacifier on the top shelf of the bookshelf in the living room, so she brought her Minnie Mouse step stool over to it, and even stacked books on top of it to make it taller.  It still wasn't tall enough, but I had to laugh at her ingenuity in coming up with the idea.

But in all seriousness, Samantha is so good at helping me out, especially by talking to and playing with Aedan when he's fussy and I am trying to get something else done.  Even though she can be kind of whiny when she's tired, she is a great helper, has a sweet spirit, and is a wonderful little girl.

After spending most of the evening Uptown, it was time to get the kids home for bed.  Daddy took this adorable video of Samantha making Aedan laugh.  I am so excited to see how the bond between the two of them will develop as they grow up together.

Friday was a big day in Samantha's world (and mine to be completely honest), as I had scheduled an appointment for Samantha's FIRST EVER haircut.  We have never taken scissors to her hair, so she has gone three years with her hair growing and growing.  I was hesitant to get her hair cut for so long because I was in love with her curls and most people said they would go away when we cut her hair.  I wasn't ready to part with those baby curls.  However, Samantha's hair was getting very long and scraggly, it was easily tangled, hard to comb, and difficult to manage.  Combing and putting up her hair every day became a daily battle, so I decided it was time to get it cut.  Samantha was SO excited to be going to the hair salon and promised to "sit really still."  Here are some pictures of her experience.

Samantha thought the whole experience was just so cool, as you can see by the expression on her face in these two pictures.  She couldn't help but smile.

 Whoa!  Her hair is SO long!

The lady cutting her hair did a fantastic job, and she encouraged me that the curls wouldn't go away, but may actually be more defined because there wouldn't be as much weight pulling her hair down.  The stylist also mentioned how thick Samantha's hair is, saying she has a lot of hair per square inch.  She basically cut Samantha's hair so that all the split ends were gone, and then made sure it was even all the way around.  Samantha kept her end of the bargain and sat very still for the whole hair cut.

After her hair was cut, the stylist used a round brush and hair dryer to style it for her, which Samantha also thought was pretty interesting.  Now she's going to want me to do this to her hair every day!

The finished look was just so cute, as I figured it would be.  Samantha loved her hair cut and couldn't wait to show it off.  When we got home, she kept looking in the mirror that day to see what her hair looked like.  I'm glad we made the decision to get her hair cut.  Samantha looks adorable.

After paying, Samantha got to pick out a sucker, and then we decided to celebrate by going to get a doughnut at a local doughnut shop.

After spending the morning with us, Daddy went to campus to get some work done and the rest of the day progressed like normal.  Here's a cute video of Samantha making Aedan laugh on Friday night after dinner.

Saturday morning we decided to try out our local farmer's market in Uptown Oxford.  We knew it wouldn't be as large as Bloomington's, but they still had quite the selection of farmers, as well as people selling bread and sweet rolls, plus a small band playing some folksy bluegrass type music.  Samantha enjoyed standing there, listening to them, and shaking her instrument.

After enjoying our time at the farmer's market, and sharing a special chocolate pastry for a snack, we went grocery shopping together as a family.  We had her ride in a normal cart instead of a special cart because she didn't listen well when she went shopping with me last time.  After we were done shopping, Samantha asked if she could ride in a special cart again next time and said, "I got over your lesson."  (I think she meant that she learned her lesson, but I think I like her expression better.)

The rest of Saturday we just hung out as a family, playing together, and taking baths before bed.  Samantha helped us give Aedan a bath, and she thought it was fun to get him all soapy and liked it when he splashed her.

After bath time, Samantha decided she needed to play doctor and give Aedan a check up because he "wasn't feeling well."

She checked his blood pressure and got huge smiles from her.  He adores his big sister.

 Then, she had to check his ears.  What a good, very thorough doctor we have!

On Sunday we visited a different church called Cobblestone Community Church.  We weren't really sure what to think because the music wasn't quite our style, but the pastor was pretty interesting to listen to, even though sometimes he spoke a little more like he was addressing college students and not adults.  We really don't want to go to a church outside of Oxford and don't want to drive 20-25 minutes to get there, so there are really only two churches that we think would fit well for us.  Hopefully in the next couple weeks Ben and I can come to a decision of what church we think would be the best for our family to plug into and grow through while we reside in Oxford.

The whole Toll family was exhausted on Sunday morning because we had a rough night with Samantha waking up crying a couple times and Aedan having a rough night of being fussy and waking up frequently.  I know Ben and I felt like zombies that morning, so the whole Toll family had a good nap on Sunday afternoon.

While I was working on dinner on Sunday night, Samantha asked if I would take a picture of her.  So I took a picture of what she was doing and of what Aedan was doing on a typical evening in the Toll house.

Once we finished dinner and Aedan woke up from his nap, he wasn't left alone for too long.  Samantha decided he needed a lot of toys, so she took them out of the basket and just began piling them on Aedan in his swing.  He loved the attention from his sister, and don't worry, we were close by to make sure this activity didn't get out of hand.

We decided to take a little family trip out that evening since everyone took good naps that afternoon.  We had Samantha go upstairs and go potty before we left, and she was gone for quite a while, so I went up to check on her and this is what I found.

For some reason she has decided to start reading on the toilet and will often get a book and take it in there with her.  I guess a lot of adults read while they go to the restroom, too, right?

We took a trip to Daddy's building on campus where Samantha got to see Daddy's office and classrooms that he will be teaching in.  She wanted to have her picture taken with Aedan in Daddy's office chair.

Another interesting thing this week was starting to use cloth diapers.  I tried using them back a week or so ago, and they just weren't working.  They were leaking through every time, causing a complete outfit change, too.  So I emailed Heiny Helpers, the program I got the cloth diapers from, to see if they had any advice for me.  They suggested that I strip them to see if that would help them become more absorbent.  I did strip them and started using them over the weekend.  They worked wonderfully, and I was so glad!  I got pretty discouraged at first because I really wanted the cloth diapers to work, but wasn't willing to continue it if they would always leak out.  As of right now, we are still using disposable diapers at nap time and dinner time just so that we don't have to worry about anything interfering with his sleep, but we could very easily use cloth diapers at those times as well since he only has wet diapers when sleeping.  The only problem is that back when I got the diapers from Heiny Helpers, I didn't really know what I was doing or what I needed, and I didn't know that we would end up moving, so I have some that are too small for Aedan and some that the elastic has stretched out too much on the leg openings, leaving us with really not enough to use cloth diapers full time.  I hope to switch out the diapers that don't work and get useful ones, or else buy more cloth diapers from somewhere.  Cloth diapers were a bit intimidating at first, but I am so happy they are working out now.  Using them will save us a lot of money on buying diapers throughout the time Aedan is in diapers.

Daddy went back to work on Monday morning, so Samantha, Aedan, and I got to hang out for the day.  Again, Samantha wanted me to take her picture with Aedan as they laid on the floor together in their play room.

These pictures of the two of them together are so precious to me.  Some day they will be able to look back on them and see the bond they had even from the very beginning.